Choice

Back in our first year of marriage, my in-laws were treating us and me so terribly, and I literally began to lose myself.  I spiraled into a deep depression that started then and lasted years (it lasted long after we got them out of our lives because the effects were so long-lasting).  In our first year of marriage, they were still in our lives, and no matter how much they may do now, I always have to remember how much worse it could be if we had them as a part of our lives.

Well, things were so bad for me, personally, that I was so depressed, and I would go to sleep at night hoping that I wouldn't wake up.  I never thought about killing myself - I just had no desire to live if my life was going to be full of so much pain.  Does that make sense?  I was very very depressed.  I doubted the very core of who I was - not just in that moment, but every point in my life too.  I looked at the simplest things I would do or that I did (ex: frustrated my husband wouldn't pick up his clothes), and I would fit those small little things into the picture my in-laws were painting of me (a horrible, awful monster) that I started to wonder whether they were right.  I mean, that's at the core of psychological abuse - when they can control your thinking.  I was experiencing all of this abuse (mental, emotional, verbal, psychological for me) for the first time ever in my life, and I let it affect me in a bad way - I had very severe depression and anxiety.

Not that that's uncommon when someone goes through what I did and what I still am, but when it first began to happen, it was hard on everyone involved (except for my in-laws of course, who said my depression and anxiety were fake because I just acted that way to manipulate my husband - sickos, right?).  It seriously took me 3-4 years to finally feel like I was getting back to normal.  It took a long time.  In the counseling field, we work with depression and anxiety inventories.  I do what I am now, and then I also do what I was then.  I'm proud that I am where I am at now - that I might have 1 or 2 things on those, but it's scary to realize where I was at - having around 28 on a scale of 30 (just one example).  Very severe anxiety and depression.  And I can see it more clearly now that I am out of it.  Thank goodness for such a helpful, loving, and supportive husband!

Anyway, when I first stared to spiral and things were getting really bad with my in-laws, my dad was talking to my husband, and he just briefly expressed a fear of his, saying, "I have a feeling that if it continues this way, there will come a time when you'll have to choose between your family and your wife.  I hope it doesn't come to that, but I feel like it will if it keeps going like this.  If it does, I hope you're able to make the right choice."

He didn't tell him he had to choose.  He was simply making an observation, and I think he was thinking that at that time, my husband might have chosen his family, and he was afraid of that.  My dad would never tell someone what to do or give them an ultimatum, etc.  My husband even agreed with him that he felt it would come to that (he has since told me his family had already mentioned him having to choose between them and me by the time my dad even said this).

Flashforward about 6 months after that conversation and it was when my husband was sick (when he almost died) and recovering and we were at my in-laws' house (you know, after they kidnapped him).  His mom pulls him aside and chews him out and cusses him out about probably the same old crap.  But she flat out said to him, "You need to choose - her or us because we can't be in your life if she is."  My husband says he kind of laughed at her when she said this because he couldn't believe she would think it would be a hard choice, and then he said, "Well, that's easy - her."  His mom was ticked - I was in their kitchen cooking, and they were just around the corner in the next room.  She walked into the kitchen and bumped into me like some high schooler!  She kept walking, and then my husband walked in, and I knew something had happened - then he told me.

The interesting thing is they now say that my family and I made him choose, along with saying I control him and don't allow him to have anything to do with them.  And that I'm abusive and manipulative and I've brainwashed him, blah, blah, blah.  They project everything they do onto me and then flat out make stuff up.  I know they are holding out thinking my husband is going to leave me and go running back to them.  Uh, not going to happen.

My husband made the decision to cut them out on his own - for his safety, for my safety, for our safety.  His family did this to themselves with not only what they did to us and me and my family in our marriage, but what they did to him his entire life!  Not to mention, they gave him an ultimatum and told him he had to choose (a statement they continually say came from my family and me - laaaaame!).

Beating with a belt, water hose, etc.

There's breaking news lately about a father who had been caught on camera whipping/beating his stepson with a belt during a game of catch.  Have y'all seen it?  Here is one of many links to read about it and see the video:

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/06/anthony-sanchez-california-official-caught-on-video-beating-stepson/

I often read or hear about things that are similar to what my husband had to endure growing up.  For goodness' sakes, his dad even beat him when he was 20 years old and we were dating!  My husband had called me crying at the time, but I didn't find out what his dad had done until many years later after we were married and had cut them out of our lives.

Back to my point.  This dad on this video was arrested and charged with child abuse, and is being investigated, etc.

Well, I've known for a while that my oh-so-wonderful father-in-law would whip my husband and his brother with a belt.  This would go on for minutes at a time, often 10-15 minutes straight of being whipped/beaten with a belt.  He wouldn't hit just their butts - it was the back and the legs a lot.  He always made sure to hit places that wouldn't be seen.  He would leave welts, bruises, cuts, and marks on them.  I still cringe thinking about it.  I made sure my husband understood this was not normal or okay.  I never dealt with that - I don't even think I ever got spanked!  Also, his mom would beat him with a water hose because that's the only way she could hurt them.  I about flipped that she actually said that.  I'm sorry, but punishment should never be about hurting your children!

Moving on.  This video is hard to watch, but while watching it, I was thinking, "Well, I guess that's what my father-in-law was like when he would whip them with the belt."  So, I showed my husband the news article and video.  I asked him if that's what it was like for him, and he said, "No, it was a lot worse for us.  It was constant and long, and if we screamed or cried, it got even worse."  This also wan't a once or twice thing for them - it was a regular occurence.

Yikes.  Not to mention his dad threw him into walls, held him by his collar, threw things at him, broke things, etc.  I asked why his dad would beat him like that, and it basically boiled down to if his dad was angry, he wanted to take it out on them, and he would find any excuse to do so.  What a sicko!  Plus, his mom was always so manipulative with statements like, "I just won't do this..." or "Well, then I'm not going to..."  you know, blah, blah, blah - all to get them to do things, and she would yell and scream at them over nothing.  They are just full of so many issues!  Unfotuantely, now, they project all of their behavior onto me and blame me for everything they do!

Well, the guy in the video got arrested and charged with child abuse!

See, it's not just me!  Other people know this kind of behavior is wrong.  However, my in-laws are so good at hiding it that no one knows what they do.  However, if people knew, they would think the same way as the ones who do know (my husband [now that he knows a different life than that], me, my family).  When I hear or read stories like this one that are so similar to my in-laws and then I see the outrage over it, it reminds me that it's not just me who think it's abuse and terrible and awful.  If other people knew the truth about them, they would think so too.  It's just that people don't know - my in-laws work hard to have the "perfect" image on the outside.

I always feel bad for my husband when I hear what it was like for him, but I'm glad he is safe and away from it now (and me too - plus, our children won't have to be subjected to that either - thank goodness!  My husband and I have said there is no way we would ever want our children around those crazies!).

Non-existent

My in-laws have said on many many occasions that I do not exist to them. They have said I am not family. They've excluded me a lot, to say the least. We got something in the mail that bothered me. My husband's brother and his wife have been married just a year and they had a baby 2 months ago. Well they sent out baby announcements that she addressed. My husband and I have never met this girl, so keep that in mind. Who was the announcement addressed to? Just my husband. Not me; not me at all. ONLY my husband. I expect that from my in-laws because they've been doing it for a while-excluding me. But this girl whom neither of us has ever met sends something addressed only to my husband, purposely excluding me? And they wonder why we don't want anything to do with them? Seriously...maybe it's my hormones, but I get so tired of people I don't even know doing stuff too. I guess she is going to be just like them and do everything they want. Well, shucks.