I just found out about it. It's not like it's a get rich quick thing, but I could take a an extra $25 every now and then from doing things I already do. I installed the tool bar, and it automatically alerts me to stores I'm shopping at online that will get me swagbucks. I fill out surveys while I'm watching TV, I watch videos while I'm getting ready for bed or making dinner, and I use swagbucks to search instead of my old search sites. Every little thing earns me swagbucks, which is pretty cool. I don't have to go out of my way to do anything, but they just add up until I have enough to get a reward.
Check it out here: http://www.swagbucks.com/p/register?rb=33149067
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
When your in-laws are in trouble with the IRS
Back in 2014, we found out that my in-laws had a tax lien of $139,000 for 2010-2012. I know it's wrong to feel happy about it, but I do. I said it. They might lie and get away with it with some people, but they did get caught with the IRS. That's a lot of money to owe to the government. You don't have a lien for that much and claim it was innocent; they knew they were being sneaky and dishonest. It's as simple as that, and now they are paying the price. They have not paid it off to date (no release posted), so they are still under that lien.
To make it better, they got another this year (2016) for the $103,000 for 2013 & 2014. Soooo let me add that up for a grand total of $242,000 dollars that they are in trouble for with the IRS. Again, I know it's wrong to be happy over that, but I am. I can't help it! It's a reap what you sow kind of thing.
Also, notice how their first lien was 2014 (March to be exact), and then the one they got this year (2016) included 2014. So they got in trouble in 2014, and still continued to be dishonest that year and get in trouble for it. So I'm sure they'll get another lien for 2015 and 2016.
Part of my happiness too is like, here is tangible proof of their dishonesty; not just what we are saying. You can't spin a lien like they so often do with their actions against us. You are $242,000 in trouble with the IRS, and I have the documents to prove it. Because they are public documents. You can't hide from that, suckas! Part of me has wanted to send those documents to everyone they know, but I don't. That would be wrong, but fun. But so so wrong. So I don't. Ignoring them works for us, so we'll keep focusing on ourselves and ignoring them.
Also, even more grateful to be rid of them. Could you imagine?! So, so, sooooo dishonest. My father-in-law had made comments before about doing work (they own their own appraisal business) and taking money "under the table." So they knew what they were doing! Not. Innocent. And my brother-in-law works for them, so I can only assume he and his wife don't know about the IRS stuff because who in their right mind would stay and work for them? Or they're just dumb or just as dishonest and crooked as them. Who knows! Anyway, just wanted to share!
Monday, July 6, 2015
Long time & rambling
It's been over a year, y'all. But last year was crazy for us. We welcomed another baby (yea!), but my husband also had cancer (crazy, right?), we had to move, our oldest had an infection that lasted 3 months, and our dog had major surgery twice. It all happened at once. My husband finished chemotherapy a month before our second baby was born, got his mediport out a week before the birth, and we didn't find out he was cancer free until after the baby was born. But he is cancer free! He always had a good prognosis (Hodgkin's lymphoma), so that helped a lot, and pregnancy is generally pretty easy for me, so that helped too. Really, everything was fine, but cancer and chemo put an umbrella over it all. It was a hard, but also amazing year. How could it not be amazing with a new baby and a cancer free diagnosis (albeit after a cancer diagnosis and fight). Okay, you get my point. I did cry every day last year for about a 6 month time span. I think I was allowed to, right?
My in-laws still suck, and they have tried contacting my husband through his work email and phone number. He just ignores it. His brother and his family showed up at our house not too long ago. We just ignored that too. Because that's what we have to do. We can't talk to them or tell them how we feel or it explodes. We've learned we have to ignore them, no matter how hard it is sometimes. We're going on 8 years since we decided to have nothing to do with them. It was never intended to be permanent, but everything they've done since has made it a permanent thing.
I will say this. After having the year we had last year, you tend not to care as much. It really puts things into perspective. Do they bother me still? Of course. But it's easier to move forward when they do something.
I mentioned to my husband that sometimes I do still question myself and how I handled it all. When I was depressed and had anxiety, I feel like I made mistakes; not big ones but mistakes, like anyone would. And I think, "Did how I react to them and their treatment condemn me?" My husband's response was so simple but perfect. After he reassured me that I didn't do anything bad, he said, "Do you believe in repentance and the atonement?" When I said, "Yes," he said, "Well then there you go."
My in-laws still suck, and they have tried contacting my husband through his work email and phone number. He just ignores it. His brother and his family showed up at our house not too long ago. We just ignored that too. Because that's what we have to do. We can't talk to them or tell them how we feel or it explodes. We've learned we have to ignore them, no matter how hard it is sometimes. We're going on 8 years since we decided to have nothing to do with them. It was never intended to be permanent, but everything they've done since has made it a permanent thing.
I will say this. After having the year we had last year, you tend not to care as much. It really puts things into perspective. Do they bother me still? Of course. But it's easier to move forward when they do something.
I mentioned to my husband that sometimes I do still question myself and how I handled it all. When I was depressed and had anxiety, I feel like I made mistakes; not big ones but mistakes, like anyone would. And I think, "Did how I react to them and their treatment condemn me?" My husband's response was so simple but perfect. After he reassured me that I didn't do anything bad, he said, "Do you believe in repentance and the atonement?" When I said, "Yes," he said, "Well then there you go."
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Gaslighting
Hellooooooo, why have I never heard of this? Even having my masters in counseling, and my husband getting his PhD in counseling, I had to happen upon it. I've been having a hard time lately because I start to question myself. It is soooo hard not to when you have always been bashed and bashed and bashed. When I was depressed when this all first started happening, I didn't always handle things well. I rarely reacted at my in-laws; instead, I tended to lash out at my husband and say mean things because it was his family doing all this to me. Anyway, that was 7+years ago, and it's water under the bridge, just as how the things he did are forgiven and forgotten. It's a whole lot easier for me to forgive my husband than it is to forgive and forget my mistakes though. Anyway, I start wondering if my shutting him out and getting mad at him gave my in-laws reason for thinking I'm so crazy. My husband has to talk me down from this. I don't know why it's popping up now...all this doubt. But he reminds me that I wasn't that bad; I was just depressed, and no, I wasn't my normal self, but I was also being abused when I was only 19 (I was 19 when we were married...I know, a baby) and these people were in their 40s. Most of the time, I feel bad for my poor little 19 year old self...still adjusting to college, then adjusting to being married, and why don't we throw in abusive, toxic in-laws that will destroy you too? Yikes! Poor me. But lately...I have been questioning myself, as the accusations by my in-laws just get to me.
Anyway, I ran across this link:
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
I know it's for narcissistic mothers, but they pretty much all fit into these traits now (even his sisters, unfortunately), so just change her/she to them/they. I could certainly highlight on a lot of these, but the big one is this one:
6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting," common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.
Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, otherwise you wouldn't believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You're oversensitive. You're imagining things. You're hysterical. You're completely unreasonable. You're over-reacting, like you always do. She'll talk to you when you've calmed down and aren't so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.
Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn't do anything. She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her. You've hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.
She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.
Because, I mean, good gracious, that is exactly what they have done to me! Perfect description. So perfect it's almost scary.
Okay, while I'm at it, here's another good one:
20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she's done, she won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.
We have heard pretty much those exact things! "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry if I upset you." "I'm sorry, but we have done nothing wrong." "I'm sorry you think I did that." "I'm sorry you feel like we are terrible parents; we did everything the best we could and tried to teach you; we will work harder to be better with the rest of them; it's sad you repay us by disrespecting us."
Sometimes, it's just too much for me, but it's always good to educate myself.
Anyway, I ran across this link:
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
I know it's for narcissistic mothers, but they pretty much all fit into these traits now (even his sisters, unfortunately), so just change her/she to them/they. I could certainly highlight on a lot of these, but the big one is this one:
6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting," common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.
Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, otherwise you wouldn't believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You're oversensitive. You're imagining things. You're hysterical. You're completely unreasonable. You're over-reacting, like you always do. She'll talk to you when you've calmed down and aren't so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.
Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn't do anything. She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her. You've hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.
She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.
Because, I mean, good gracious, that is exactly what they have done to me! Perfect description. So perfect it's almost scary.
Okay, while I'm at it, here's another good one:
20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she's done, she won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.
We have heard pretty much those exact things! "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry if I upset you." "I'm sorry, but we have done nothing wrong." "I'm sorry you think I did that." "I'm sorry you feel like we are terrible parents; we did everything the best we could and tried to teach you; we will work harder to be better with the rest of them; it's sad you repay us by disrespecting us."
Sometimes, it's just too much for me, but it's always good to educate myself.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Exposing Them
Not going to lie...sometimes I wish I could expose everything my in-laws have done. My husband says we should do it because they deserve it, haha. Anyway, they constantly claim I've made it all up (all they've done), and that my parents have encouraged me! It is soooo frustrating. We keep everything we can for proof if needed one day. I do need to make copies of all the letters and stuff we've gotten in case something were to happen to the originals.
I have theories on why they say I've made it all up, and that they haven't done anything. (these are just my theories on this particular subject; there's a whole lot more to the other side where they attack me and spread rumors and lies about me and try to turn people against me).
The first is that they know they've done a bunch of crappy, awful, terrible things, but they are so prideful that it's easier to try to paint me (and my parents!) in the wrong than to try to fix what they've done. They don't want to admit they've done anything wrong, ever, so of course they would say they've done nothing.
The second is that they know they've done stuff, but they really don't think there's anything wrong with what they've done. They see it was justified, or they don't see it truthfully for what they've done.
The last theory is the one my husband and my mom think is the right one. They are such pathological liars that they really don't think they've done anything at all.
Whatever the reason, it's annoying. Sometimes I think it would be nice to make copies of what we have and send it to their church leaders, extended family, friends, and whoever else just so they can understand our perspective a little because hellooooo if people knew even a little bit, they would be baffled by what they've done. But then I realize that wouldn't be the right thing to do. It's not right to try to destroy other people because they have hurt you. Revenge is never right. Plus, if we did that (Which my husband thinks would be awesome), they would go even more bezerk and attack more. And things have been so eerily calm that I don't want to deal with more attacks.
I suppose it's better to just continue to ignore them and know we are better off without them. My husband knows the truth about them, my family and friends do, and my children will too. And that's all that matters. Surround yourself with good people, right? You never want people in your life who just beat you down. Just sucks sometimes because they are so delusional about the truth, and I want people to know the truth!
I have theories on why they say I've made it all up, and that they haven't done anything. (these are just my theories on this particular subject; there's a whole lot more to the other side where they attack me and spread rumors and lies about me and try to turn people against me).
The first is that they know they've done a bunch of crappy, awful, terrible things, but they are so prideful that it's easier to try to paint me (and my parents!) in the wrong than to try to fix what they've done. They don't want to admit they've done anything wrong, ever, so of course they would say they've done nothing.
The second is that they know they've done stuff, but they really don't think there's anything wrong with what they've done. They see it was justified, or they don't see it truthfully for what they've done.
The last theory is the one my husband and my mom think is the right one. They are such pathological liars that they really don't think they've done anything at all.
Whatever the reason, it's annoying. Sometimes I think it would be nice to make copies of what we have and send it to their church leaders, extended family, friends, and whoever else just so they can understand our perspective a little because hellooooo if people knew even a little bit, they would be baffled by what they've done. But then I realize that wouldn't be the right thing to do. It's not right to try to destroy other people because they have hurt you. Revenge is never right. Plus, if we did that (Which my husband thinks would be awesome), they would go even more bezerk and attack more. And things have been so eerily calm that I don't want to deal with more attacks.
I suppose it's better to just continue to ignore them and know we are better off without them. My husband knows the truth about them, my family and friends do, and my children will too. And that's all that matters. Surround yourself with good people, right? You never want people in your life who just beat you down. Just sucks sometimes because they are so delusional about the truth, and I want people to know the truth!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Some things we'd like to say
It'll be 6 years this Fall that we cut my in-laws out of our life. 6.years.y'all! Unfortunately, 6 years has not improved their thoughts and feelings regarding me (and my family), and their terrible actions towards my husband, my family, and me continue. So, here are just some of the things we'd like to say but can't because any response to them is always changed in some way (and sometimes totally made up).
1. My husband chose to cut y'all off. Well, he chose to cut his parents and brother off, and then threats and other terrible stuff made it to where we couldn't associate with anyone in his family, including sisters and extended family. I didn't force him to cut y'all off, although I assume that is easier for y'all to go with than actually look to yourselves and what y'all have done to make your own son want nothing to do with y'all. My family didn't force him to choose either, although it is easy to put the blame on them too because of the same reason I stated before. (Insert sarcasm here) I mean, how could y'all have possibly done anything that would make your son not want anything to do with you, so it must be my family and me forcing him to not have anything to do with y'all. Yeah, that must be it. It is honestly harder for me to deal with-he has no problem with not having anything to do with y'all; his attitude is good riddance. He dealt with y'alls ways much longer than I ever had to, and he is happy to be away from it all. He has no hope that y'all will change; I still have that hope and am continually let down. Again, let me emphasize that my husband chose on his own to cut y'all off because of what y'all have done to us. It wasn't me, and it wasn't my family; it was his choice because y'all have done awful things to us and beaten us to the ground, to put it lightly. As long as you keep avoiding that, you'll never have any connection with us. You can't just ignore what you've done and continue to do.
1. My husband chose to cut y'all off. Well, he chose to cut his parents and brother off, and then threats and other terrible stuff made it to where we couldn't associate with anyone in his family, including sisters and extended family. I didn't force him to cut y'all off, although I assume that is easier for y'all to go with than actually look to yourselves and what y'all have done to make your own son want nothing to do with y'all. My family didn't force him to choose either, although it is easy to put the blame on them too because of the same reason I stated before. (Insert sarcasm here) I mean, how could y'all have possibly done anything that would make your son not want anything to do with you, so it must be my family and me forcing him to not have anything to do with y'all. Yeah, that must be it. It is honestly harder for me to deal with-he has no problem with not having anything to do with y'all; his attitude is good riddance. He dealt with y'alls ways much longer than I ever had to, and he is happy to be away from it all. He has no hope that y'all will change; I still have that hope and am continually let down. Again, let me emphasize that my husband chose on his own to cut y'all off because of what y'all have done to us. It wasn't me, and it wasn't my family; it was his choice because y'all have done awful things to us and beaten us to the ground, to put it lightly. As long as you keep avoiding that, you'll never have any connection with us. You can't just ignore what you've done and continue to do.
2. Stop lying, specifically about me. Seriously, when we have had people that I don't even know and some people that even my husband doesn't know saying stuff to us about me or treating me terribly, then you know you have gone too far with your lies. You should have never even started lying about me in the first place. That was a mistake, and it continues to be a mistake today - do you really think your son would want anything to do with you when you constantly lie about and attack his wife? Stop putting everything y'all do on me. It is frustrating for us both how much you lie about me. You completely make stuff up, and for what? What are y'all accomplishing by doing this? Does it save y'alls pride and ego? For the life of me, we'll never understand them making up everything as much as they have. It is sickening and disgusting, and it infuriates my husband. We honestly believe y'all have lied so much that you actually believe your lies-y'all have a serious problem.
3. As long as you disconnect me from my husband, you'll never get anywhere. They want a relationship with my husband but without me. They want to know our baby, but how does that work when you don't acknowledge the baby's mother? After all, they refer to our child as my husband's baby; not our baby. It doesn't work that way. We are a package deal; we are a family. You can't just say you want only my husband back and think we don't know what you mean-you want us to divorce. You tried before to get us to divorce by being sneaky and even tried telling people that's what we wanted. It wasn't, and it was never mentioned by us, but y'all were sure trying to make it happen without us knowing until a friend of y'alls told us. And y'all wonder why you don't know our baby's birth date or name? Honestly...y'all found out we had a baby by stalking us somehow. You aren't a part of our life, and one of the many reasons is y'all totally excluding me. Really...that mindset will never work.
4. We will protect our child from the harm y'all cause. End of story. Everything y'all have put us through and y'all think you deserve to know our baby? Not a chance. We will never put our baby in danger of going through what we have been through.
5. Unless y'all completely recognize what y'all have done and do, right your wrongs, and totally change, we want nothing to do with y'all. And honestly, y'all have done so much that we don't even know if a reunion is ever possible. The cut off was never meant to be permanent, but everything y'all have done since is making it that way. This is a direct result of y'alls actions.
I feel like I have a lot more I wanted to add to the list, but it gets exhausting. Those are the main ones. Maybe I'll write more again someday.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Emotional Blackmail and The Narcissistic Family
I've known about Narcissism in individuals for who knows how long, but I've never seen it described as a family unit. I ran across this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/?keywords=janet+g.+woititz&qid=1350315369&ref=sr_1_45&ie=UTF8&sr=8-45
The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman. I think I might order it. Reading the reviews really caught my eye because those people sound like they came from a family like my husband's family. They'll even say something like, "People thought we had a great family, but I always felt like something was off; those people didn't know what it was like on the inside; I could never pinpoint what felt wrong, but now I know." Sounds like my in-laws! Making the family seem "perfect" and you aren't allowed to feel anything negative or go against what they want. That is my in-laws! I could go on and on about how the reviews are like my husband's family, but I don't have the energy now. Anyway, reading those was good for me to see that people go through similar situations, so the book probably would be beneficial. Maybe it can help others too.
And here is another book:
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/?qid=1328547145&s=books&ref=sr_1_sc_1&ie=UTF8&sr=1-1-spell
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. I'll probably order this one too! I don't think I've heard of emotional blackmail before - at least not in that term. I've heard of the techniques, but I have never had a name or label for it. Oh man, I can't tell you how uncanny that is to my in-laws! I read more about it online, and daaaaang, that is them! My mother-in-law is more of the sufferer type, and my father-in-law is both the sufferer type and the punisher type. Unfortunately, my husband's siblings are crafty at implementing emotional blackmail too, especially the youngest! Seriously, even I have heard things like this over and over said to my husband:
"Do you love our family or not?"
"After everything we've done for you."
"We must be failures as parents."
"If you loved me/us, then you would do this."
"You must not care about us at all."
"How can you be so cold and heartless?"
Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head, but there are many many more. I always knew those kinds of statements were extremely manipulative; I guess that's how I labeled it. But emotional blackmail makes sense. My husband heard these types of things his entire life. He was always guilted into doing everything they wanted. He eventually learned to just do what they wanted (or act like he did it even if he didn't) and pretend to be who they wanted or thought he was. His mom was especially bad about making him feel like he was responsible for her emotions. Don't do that to your kid! And his dad....ha, there would be some you know what to pay if you didn't do or be what he wanted - or at least pretend to do and be what he wanted. Many of the statements above were from his dad too, so he was a double emotional blackmailer. Yikes! He was also really keen on the silent treatment or, in clinical terms, stonewalling. My husband said if they didn't conform to what their dad wanted or upset him in any way (usually no reason to even be upset - like my husband not pitching a good game - really?), then he would go days, even weeks, without interacting with you. Very manipulative and also emotional blackmail!
In reading about emotional blackmail, I ran across this quote:
"Then, 'what happens if the other person doesn't comply with the manipulation, but just goes on being pleasant and friendly... [is that] your manipulation steadily amplifies... there will be arguments, emotional pressures, even separations.' Thus 'when one person changes the signals by pulling out of the family system,' they may find others 'brand the victim, crazy, unforgiving or a family wrecker.'"
Well helllllooooo, that is definitely what happened to me because I didn't just do everything they wanted, and then my husband broke away and stopped doing everything they wanted, and now they call me all kinds of horrid things! We are like the examples of that quote!
Just found these books intriguing and interesting, and very much applicable.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/?keywords=janet+g.+woititz&qid=1350315369&ref=sr_1_45&ie=UTF8&sr=8-45
The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman. I think I might order it. Reading the reviews really caught my eye because those people sound like they came from a family like my husband's family. They'll even say something like, "People thought we had a great family, but I always felt like something was off; those people didn't know what it was like on the inside; I could never pinpoint what felt wrong, but now I know." Sounds like my in-laws! Making the family seem "perfect" and you aren't allowed to feel anything negative or go against what they want. That is my in-laws! I could go on and on about how the reviews are like my husband's family, but I don't have the energy now. Anyway, reading those was good for me to see that people go through similar situations, so the book probably would be beneficial. Maybe it can help others too.
And here is another book:
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/?qid=1328547145&s=books&ref=sr_1_sc_1&ie=UTF8&sr=1-1-spell
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. I'll probably order this one too! I don't think I've heard of emotional blackmail before - at least not in that term. I've heard of the techniques, but I have never had a name or label for it. Oh man, I can't tell you how uncanny that is to my in-laws! I read more about it online, and daaaaang, that is them! My mother-in-law is more of the sufferer type, and my father-in-law is both the sufferer type and the punisher type. Unfortunately, my husband's siblings are crafty at implementing emotional blackmail too, especially the youngest! Seriously, even I have heard things like this over and over said to my husband:
"Do you love our family or not?"
"After everything we've done for you."
"We must be failures as parents."
"If you loved me/us, then you would do this."
"You must not care about us at all."
"How can you be so cold and heartless?"
Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head, but there are many many more. I always knew those kinds of statements were extremely manipulative; I guess that's how I labeled it. But emotional blackmail makes sense. My husband heard these types of things his entire life. He was always guilted into doing everything they wanted. He eventually learned to just do what they wanted (or act like he did it even if he didn't) and pretend to be who they wanted or thought he was. His mom was especially bad about making him feel like he was responsible for her emotions. Don't do that to your kid! And his dad....ha, there would be some you know what to pay if you didn't do or be what he wanted - or at least pretend to do and be what he wanted. Many of the statements above were from his dad too, so he was a double emotional blackmailer. Yikes! He was also really keen on the silent treatment or, in clinical terms, stonewalling. My husband said if they didn't conform to what their dad wanted or upset him in any way (usually no reason to even be upset - like my husband not pitching a good game - really?), then he would go days, even weeks, without interacting with you. Very manipulative and also emotional blackmail!
In reading about emotional blackmail, I ran across this quote:
"Then, 'what happens if the other person doesn't comply with the manipulation, but just goes on being pleasant and friendly... [is that] your manipulation steadily amplifies... there will be arguments, emotional pressures, even separations.' Thus 'when one person changes the signals by pulling out of the family system,' they may find others 'brand the victim, crazy, unforgiving or a family wrecker.'"
Well helllllooooo, that is definitely what happened to me because I didn't just do everything they wanted, and then my husband broke away and stopped doing everything they wanted, and now they call me all kinds of horrid things! We are like the examples of that quote!
Just found these books intriguing and interesting, and very much applicable.
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