Beating with a belt, water hose, etc.

There's breaking news lately about a father who had been caught on camera whipping/beating his stepson with a belt during a game of catch.  Have y'all seen it?  Here is one of many links to read about it and see the video:

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/06/anthony-sanchez-california-official-caught-on-video-beating-stepson/

I often read or hear about things that are similar to what my husband had to endure growing up.  For goodness' sakes, his dad even beat him when he was 20 years old and we were dating!  My husband had called me crying at the time, but I didn't find out what his dad had done until many years later after we were married and had cut them out of our lives.

Back to my point.  This dad on this video was arrested and charged with child abuse, and is being investigated, etc.

Well, I've known for a while that my oh-so-wonderful father-in-law would whip my husband and his brother with a belt.  This would go on for minutes at a time, often 10-15 minutes straight of being whipped/beaten with a belt.  He wouldn't hit just their butts - it was the back and the legs a lot.  He always made sure to hit places that wouldn't be seen.  He would leave welts, bruises, cuts, and marks on them.  I still cringe thinking about it.  I made sure my husband understood this was not normal or okay.  I never dealt with that - I don't even think I ever got spanked!  Also, his mom would beat him with a water hose because that's the only way she could hurt them.  I about flipped that she actually said that.  I'm sorry, but punishment should never be about hurting your children!

Moving on.  This video is hard to watch, but while watching it, I was thinking, "Well, I guess that's what my father-in-law was like when he would whip them with the belt."  So, I showed my husband the news article and video.  I asked him if that's what it was like for him, and he said, "No, it was a lot worse for us.  It was constant and long, and if we screamed or cried, it got even worse."  This also wan't a once or twice thing for them - it was a regular occurence.

Yikes.  Not to mention his dad threw him into walls, held him by his collar, threw things at him, broke things, etc.  I asked why his dad would beat him like that, and it basically boiled down to if his dad was angry, he wanted to take it out on them, and he would find any excuse to do so.  What a sicko!  Plus, his mom was always so manipulative with statements like, "I just won't do this..." or "Well, then I'm not going to..."  you know, blah, blah, blah - all to get them to do things, and she would yell and scream at them over nothing.  They are just full of so many issues!  Unfotuantely, now, they project all of their behavior onto me and blame me for everything they do!

Well, the guy in the video got arrested and charged with child abuse!

See, it's not just me!  Other people know this kind of behavior is wrong.  However, my in-laws are so good at hiding it that no one knows what they do.  However, if people knew, they would think the same way as the ones who do know (my husband [now that he knows a different life than that], me, my family).  When I hear or read stories like this one that are so similar to my in-laws and then I see the outrage over it, it reminds me that it's not just me who think it's abuse and terrible and awful.  If other people knew the truth about them, they would think so too.  It's just that people don't know - my in-laws work hard to have the "perfect" image on the outside.

I always feel bad for my husband when I hear what it was like for him, but I'm glad he is safe and away from it now (and me too - plus, our children won't have to be subjected to that either - thank goodness!  My husband and I have said there is no way we would ever want our children around those crazies!).

Non-existent

My in-laws have said on many many occasions that I do not exist to them. They have said I am not family. They've excluded me a lot, to say the least. We got something in the mail that bothered me. My husband's brother and his wife have been married just a year and they had a baby 2 months ago. Well they sent out baby announcements that she addressed. My husband and I have never met this girl, so keep that in mind. Who was the announcement addressed to? Just my husband. Not me; not me at all. ONLY my husband. I expect that from my in-laws because they've been doing it for a while-excluding me. But this girl whom neither of us has ever met sends something addressed only to my husband, purposely excluding me? And they wonder why we don't want anything to do with them? Seriously...maybe it's my hormones, but I get so tired of people I don't even know doing stuff too. I guess she is going to be just like them and do everything they want. Well, shucks.

Oops!

We had a "visitor" last month.  I didn't write about it immediately because we've been trying for a baby for a while, and have been under a lot of stress with that.  I just got diagnosed with pcos a couple of weeks ago, and I just started the medications for it (hopefully they work!).  Needless to say, I've been emotional about other stuff lately (for good reason, right?).

Well, at the end of February we had a knock on our door one Saturday afternoon.  It was my in-laws' "adopted" son.  You know, the one they say they adopted but they didn't, and he's really just a replacement for my husband.

We didn't answer - duh!  But he did walk down to his BRIGHT YELLOW (hard to miss that car, haha) truck.  He came running back up to our door with a piece of paper in his hand.  It was a bunch of bull poopie about how they talk about us often and they miss us, blah blah blah.  That he's visiting a friend in our town and looked us up on his own to see if we wanted to catch up over lunch or dinner or something.

I'm sorry, catch up?  Dude, we met you once, and it was the same time you met the rest of my in-laws.  It was when my husband was sick and almost died and my brother-in-law didn't even care to tell you my name; he just said I was his brother's wife.

Anyway, he said in the note at least 4 times that my in-laws didn't ask him to come by, that he came by on his own, and that they don't even know he came by.  Ummmm, yeah right.  First of all, you definitely wouldn't come by on your own.  You don't even know us.  Second of all, if you have to repeat that statement that many times throughout the note, then you're definitely lying about that!

Well, my sister followed him to make sure he wasn't coming back (PI anyone?).  haha.  He went to the zoo and met up with my father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law.  They never showed up anywhere we were though.  Lucky, much?

It's interesting.  It's been about a year since they sent anything to us that was downright mean.  In fact, they don't do as much directly to us anymore.  They still send stuff, but it's not as often, and it's not as straight forward mean.  They usually only send stuff when they want to make us feel like we're missing out (vacations, weddings, his brother's having a baby, etc.).  They are usually full of a bunch of crap, and sometimes have underlying digs (his brother hit a "homerun" with his wife; remember that one?).

Well, they try to be "nice" in what they send us lately, but they have no problem posting digs at me/us online.

Case in point.  The DAY after the "adopted" guy got rejected by us not opening the door for him and leaving a note full of bologna (basically, it not going the way they wanted), my father-in-law posts this on his facebook (I copied and pasted - typos and misspellings and everything - he's not very bright; I italicized the part I want y'all to pay attention to):

Sitting in church and feeling greatful and humble. I want my kids to know how much I love them and how pleased I am with them. Sitting here picturing the beautiful smiles on my daughters beautiful faces, the joy my sons give me every time we talk, a beautiful and wonderful daughter-in-law that makes my son happy and is a great example to my daughters. The Lord has blessed me and my beautiful wife, my best friend with eternal joy. ("Adopted" grandson) and (My husband's brother's baby on the way) papa loves you ( my buddies)

Did y'all catch that?!  Daughter-in-law; not daughter-in-laws (and we've been married far longer than his brother and his wife - they haven't even been married a year).  hahahaha...and you wonder why we don't want to talk to y'all?!  Wow, such a hurtful dig, especially since you have flat out told my husband that I am not family and I don't exist to y'all.  Not to mention this post is just weird.  It's not a coincidence that he posts this the day after nothing comes of that visit.  Oh yeah, the visit they apparently didn't ask him to do and that they knew nothing about.  Yeahhhh right!

Did I mention a couple of months ago that he commented on a post talking about how manipulative I am to my husband, how I've lied to him, and how I've beaten him down?  haha, this was in response to a status my cousin-in-law posted about her boyfriend, who had tragically just died.  She was saying how it's unfair that people leave their loved ones of their own choosing, but her's was taken from her.  First, I think it's super insensitive to make her hard time about yourself (but I don't expect anything different from them).  Second, I'm pretty sure she was talking about spouses/fiances/significant others leaving each other because her boyfriend was planning on proposing - ring and all.  She got the ring the day after he died.  Anyway, everyone ignored his comment - maybe people see through their stupid ways and are sick of it.  I know I sure am.

Well, I just think it's laughable that they are "trying" to be fake to us, but we know better!  We have too much negativity from them to believe this facade - both from them in the past, and what they are currently saying/doing to others/online that we find out about.

You know, it'll be 5 years this Fall that we cut them out of our lives.  And they still haven't gotten a clue.  Sad, right?

Signs of Emotional Abuse and Suggestions for how to Move On

This is mainly focusing on abuse from a partner, but it can be easily applied to other relationships as well (in my case, my in-laws).  Reading this reminded me of why we don't talk to them anymore - it all hits so close to home that's it's somewhat freaky.

This info came from this website:

http://www.women-on-the-net.com/emotional-abuse-signs-women-need.html

Emotional Abuse: Signs Women Need to Know

By Kathy Wilson

Emotional abuse is one of the most insidious forms of abuse a woman can suffer. Often, a woman doesn’t even realize that the unhappiness she feels has a name: abuse. According to mental health experts today, even if it is never physical…it is still abuse.

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse has only recently been recognized as a legitimate form of abuse, and is hard to identify or prove. It affects everyone within a home no matter who is the target of abuse. Emotional abuse can be subtle and gradual, so that the victim does not recognize she is being abused until it has become a significant trauma to her. It can happen to any woman, from any walk of life. It can happen to children, and if you are being emotionally abused, your children are too. And most importantly, it is not what you deserve and there is a way to healing.

Effects on Victims of Emotional Abuse:

• Emotional abuse saps a woman’s self esteem, creates anxiety and panic attacks, depression, and makes a woman feel trapped and alone.

• It teaches children to distrust the world, and isolate themselves in pain, anger and fear.

• It can cause lifelong, deep emotional pain.

Most experts agree that emotional abuse can be more damaging to a woman than physical abuse. However, since emotional abuse does not leave scars and bruises that one can see, it is difficult to convey the level of seriousness to those who have not been victims. “Sticks and Stones” is a lie, ladies. Not feeling supported or taken seriously further degrades the woman’s self esteem, and spirals her into a circle of pain and secrecy that is difficult, but not impossible to break free from.

Fortunately, recent studies are changing the way most people view emotional abuse, and are providing more support and resources to help women escape the cycle.

Signs you are being emotionally abused:

• You feel like you are walking on eggshells, watching what you say or do to prevent a bad reaction out of your partner.

• Your partner yells, swears, throws things or breaks things in a show of force and anger, even if it isn’t directed toward you. Doing it in front of you implies your partner is seeking to control you with whatever means necessary.

• Your partner hurts pets when he is angry, then brags about it.

• Your partner uses physical intimidation, even if he never touches you. This includes rushing across the room at you in anger, glaring hateful stares, shaking a finger in your face, or throwing things across the room.

• Your partner uses emotional blackmail to win arguments or disagreements…guilt, shame or my personal favorite…uses anger towards the children in the house or others you love to “shut you up”. You comply in order to spare the loved ones his wrath.

• Your partner feels his needs are the only ones that matter.

• He does not respect simple boundaries such as knocking on bedroom doors before entering a child’s room, even ones of the opposite sex.

• He belittles you or members of the family, calling names, casting hateful stares or making sure they know they are not accepted members of the family. Examples of this might be not allowing that family member to sit near them, or even be in the same room as them, for absolutely no reason other than to express his control over the victim. He may lead a campaign to convince other members of the family unit to tease just as merciless as he, or he may simply leave that member out of conversations or family events or traditions.

• Teasing crosses into cruelty hidden behind attempts to “help”: for example, he might ask “Why you stuff your face like a pig”, and then in the next instant claim he is trying to help you with your weight worries.

Signs of an abuser:

• An abuser has different rules for him than he does for everyone else.

• An abuser refuses to take responsibility for his behavior, often accusing you of overreacting.

• When confronted, he will use emotional blackmail to make you stay in the relationship. Ie. Subtle threats to commit suicide, pleading emotional instability, crying, guilt…you name it.

• Abusers often have substance abuse problems, which they refuse to recognize or get help for.

How to heal from abuse:

Abuse is defined as any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc.

The first step to healing from emotional abuse is to realize that it’s exactly that… abuse. Denial is prevalent among victims. Your self esteem has already suffered enough under the insidious attacks of the abuse; admitting to abuse is hard. Really hard.  No one wants to believe someone they love would hurt them this way, so they deny it’s happening. They even make excuses for their abuser. It can also be hard to accept the fact that you allowed yourself to become a victim. Take note ladies, you did not ask for this, and it can happen to anyone! I know how difficult it can be to accept this.  I also know that you CAN heal and find a healthy place in your life!

An abuser is also a master at turning things around on you, and making you wonder what role you had in the abuse. Comments like “Why didn’t you tell me earlier if I was so bad?” or “If it was really as bad as you say, why didn’t you leave me?” serve to relocate the responsibility for the situation on YOUR shoulders. Don’t buy it. An abusers prime method of denial is to minimize what is happening. “You made too big a deal out of it, I don’t remember it that way at all”. Sound familiar? And I bet you started wondering about whether he was right. This is the toughest part in escaping emotional abuse. You must learn to recognize the patterns of dysfunction and not allow them to sway you. Your self esteem has already been battered, and I know it’s easy to second guess yourself and feel confused when faced with an abusers tactics. For this reason, it is often better to remove yourself from the situation.

Abuse always gets worse with time. You are not going to heal him. If he won’t seek help for himself and stick to a long term pattern of change, you owe it to yourself to get out of the relationship. You owe it to your children to provide them with a learning experience that might prevent them from repeating the same old abuse patterns, and to protect them from exposure to further abuse. You have a lot to offer this world, but as long as you are trapped in a cycle of abuse that degrades your self esteem and keeps you in a living hell, you will never realize your full potential.

Emotional abuse is unhealthy, and it creates a cycle for you or your children that can be very difficult to break free from. If you can’t seek help for yourself, than do it for those you love. Call domestic violence services in your area for help, they are not just there for the physically abused. They can offer advice, and help you decide if you are indeed being abused, and how to get help. Find counseling, go to a minister, call your Mom. And be honest. Cry, sob, tell the story, relate the guilt, let out the anger… then stand up and get help. Emotional abuse can only be stopped if we stand up. People will only take it seriously if we stand up. And we will only stop this cycle with our children if we, the victims, STAND UP. When you stand up and do something about abuse, you cease being a victim, and you become a survivor.

Dealing with an Abusive Mother-in-Law

I got the following info from here (my mother-in-law is abusive, but so is my father-in-law and a few other in-laws [learned traits, I guess], so it's helpful knowledge all around):


http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Abusive-Mother-in-Law

While many people quietly suffer critical mother in laws, abusive mother in laws are totally different. If you have been physically or mentally abused by your mother in law, here is how to cope.

Steps

1. If you have been abused by your mother in law, it is not right, it is wrong. No one deserves verbal or physical abuse.
2. Look to your spouse. Ask your husband or wife how they are going to deal with this situation as it is his or her mother. He should understand the hurt you have gone through and speak to his mother and tell her that what she has done was wrong.
3. Ask your spouse to keep you away from her. Understand it will be hard for him as well because he would feel torn between you and his mom.
4. If you feel your partner is not understanding, you need to think about your relationship as well. If you are not getting his full support you will feel helpless.
5. Cut off your mother in law entirely. Nobody should be allowed in your life who abuses you. Do not try to make amends for the sake of your spouse.

Tips

• Try not to think it was your fault and it was right for your mother in law to abuse you.
• Tell your partner how you feel.
• Avoid your mother in law as much as you can till you are ready to build a relationship with her, that is if you think you can.
• Tell her if you feel comfortable what you feel about what she has done to you.
• Keep the kids away from abusive mother in law. She may be abusive to the children.

Warnings

• Never feel its your fault.
• Do not put up with abuse from anyone and think it is ok for that person to do that.
• Abuse is not just physical but it could also be in mental form.
• If someone is abusing you, they have problematic issues in their own life.

Things You'll Need

• Power
• Self belief
• Support from your partner
• Support from your parents
• Sense of humor

Weird/Ew

I've often said my mother-in-law disgusts me with how she acted towards my husband. He wasn't sexually molested or anything, but we've long established that her relationship with him was emotional incest (also known as covert incest). In a nut shell, her emotional needs (those that should be met through an adult - usually a spouse) were met through my husband. She really feels they were soooo close, but this was very one-sided. My husband could not talk to her about anything because it was all about her needs being met. This means I find out some things she told him or did with him or acted like towards him, etc. that absolutely creep me out.

Okay, well, I found something out that grossed me out....a lot!  You just really shouldn't talk to your kids about things like this.  I'm not even kidding when I say this...

The other day, my husband said, "This probably won't surprise you, but my mom talked to me about my dad's weiner (penis)."

I was like, "Wait, what?"

And he said, "Yeah, she would tell me what it would do."

That's really all I needed to hear, and I'll just leave it at that.  Seriously, ewwwwwwwww!  I don't think kids should be hearing what their parents' private parts are like.

Oh, did I mention I already knew about her talking to my husband about her own boobs and va jay jay?  Oh, and both of his parents talked to him about their sex life...

Yeah...sick!

I couldn't imagine...

I haven't posted in a while because I only post when things really get to me. However, we discovered my sis-in-law's facebook status said this:

"Writing a paper about someone important in your life, but that isn't involved in your life anymore can be hard and emotional!!! :/"

There were some responses of good luck, call me if you need cheering up, it can help you cope, blah, blah, blah. Those were from extended family and friends. Personally, I always think those kinds of statuses are just the people starving for attention.

Anyway, here's what my fabulous (*cough*sarcasm*cough*) parents-in-law (they share a facebook, so I'm not sure which one it was) write back:

"Compared to what you still have heavily out weighs the loss. Write it and think about the positives. We are stronger because of it. That important someone has it even worse than you. Love ya baby girl"

Okay, say whaaaaaat? Did you really just say that what you have heavily outweighs the loss - WHICH IS LOSING YOUR SON?!?!?! I'm just a little baffled by that. I could not imagine losing a child and then acting like it's not a big deal because I have better things that are better than that child. I don't even have kids, but if I lost one of my dogs (which totally are my children right now), I wouldn't even say what I have outweighs the loss, and those are my dogs for crying out loud! My poor husband saw it, and he just said, "Well, I guess that shows how they felt about me." My goodness!

I mean, the whole "That important person has it even worse than you" is nothing new. A stab at me, of course. What's new, right? I mean, that was hurtful too, but you know...how could you say that crap about your own son?!?!? I'll never understand...ever! How low do you have to be to not even care about having your own son in your life whom you claimed to be soooo close to? Oh, wait, that's right...you were never close to him; you never even knew him!

Ughhhhh! Seriously...they are just pouring more and more salt in the wound! After all these years, and you still go with acting like that? I mean, not only would they have to sincerely apologize to me, to my husband, to us, to my family, to my friends, etc., and then actually change; but, they would also have to try to repair all of the damage they have done! For goodness' sakes, I have people I don't even know writing me and my husband bashing us based on what his family has done and said. That's pretty dang bad. Even if they did all of that, we still don't know if we could have anything to do with them because so much damage has been done.

Sometimes I just want to expose everything they've done so people can know what they are really like, and who they are. But, then I think about it, and I realize that will only make things worse.

So, I sit back, write on my anonymous blog, and let them stomp on me, on my husband, on us, and others around us over and over and over.

Seriously, sometimes being the bigger person is lame.

P.S. We have them blocked on facebook, but their profiles are totally public, so we can see what they do on there (through my mom's account - she totally knows we use it for that; it's cool).