The beginning - Courtship and Such

I promised I would begin by talking about when my husband and I were dating, so here goes.

Keep in mind that not as much was visible to me when we were dating. Looking back, there were signs that I would have seen if I had all of the knowledge then that I have now.

My husband and I met shortly after I started college, and we began dating pretty much immediately.

He almost seemed too good to be true. I wasn't looking for my husband, but I knew I had found him. He was everything I ever dreamed of.

His family always seemed to be interested in what they could do to stay in the spotlight and how they could make sure their life was better than those around them. Back then, I didn't really understand this and paid no attention to it; however, now I see it was just foreshadowing one underlying problem for their abusive actions.

Some of the ways they liked to "maintain drama" was always using me to rub in my husband's ex-girlfriends' faces (okay - he doesn't really have ex-girlfriends; one girl from high school he didn't even date, in fact, he didn't even like her - he saw her mom hit her, so he tried to help her with that, but of course his family views it as him dating her because they embellish upon everything - it really embarrasses my husband because this girl is nasty [seriously...sooo gross!], and he was just trying to be nice, but no matter what he says, they won't believe that he didn't date her - they made up their minds, and that's not changing; then, he "dated" one other girl [he had the title "boyfriend" for a very short amount of time but he didn't act like a boyfriend], but it was only because his dad made him - he didn't like this girl either - really, it's kind of a gross story - his dad seemed to have feelings for her and my husband says he feels like his dad was dating her through my husband - ew! - but I don't know what else to call these girls, so we'll go with exes even though they aren't technically "exes"). My husband did have one crazy ex (again, I don't really know what to call her?) at the time who couldn't let go and move on from him, but over time, it got better. They especially loved to use her for drama. Now, don't get my wrong, I didn't mind them talking about me in positive ways, but this got out of hand. They would constantly call my husband (boyfriend at the time) and let them know what his ex-girlfriends (girls in his past, w/e...you get the point...) were up to. It wouldn't be in a friendly, "Here's what they are doing" kind of way. It would be in a mocking way in which they would belittle and put down the girls. I didn't think anything of it because they weren't saying anything about me. Was it annoying? Of course, because I didn't think they should really care about his "exes" (ha...sorry, I just don't know what else to refer to them as) seeing as how they (meaning both my husband and his family) were not friends with them before or after they hung out. However, I should have seen that if they would do that to them, they would do it to me. I mean, they would go out of their way to almost badger the poor girls, always talking about my husband and me. For example (a small example, as there could be many examples), they were at a high school basketball game, and moved seats in the middle of it to go behind one girl and her family to talk loudly about how happy their son was with me and couldn't wait to marry me, and so on. They did this on purpose because, um, they told my husband they did. I thought this was rude and weird behavior, but still didn't think that much of it. They even wanted me to go to one of her basketball games so she would play poorly! I didn't; I insisted to my husband (whom I was still dating at the time) that it was rude, and I would not do that to anyone. We left. There are more examples that I could think of, and I'm sure they treated them even worse than I'll ever know because they would never admit to their horrible behavior; however, I must move on because this is about my experiences. No worries, once we got engaged, and they still insisted on being obsessed with the "exes," my husband told them that was enough (but that still didn't stop them - you know, because they love drama!).

The first time I met my husband's family, they made sure to take me to all of the places I could be seen. They even wanted to make sure I would meet people, so they could boast about me. I always hated people that boasted - it made me feel like they were hiding something. Plus, I didn't feel like they took the time to actually get to know me - no surprise now, seeing as how they don't even take the time to get to know their own kids.

Then, the next time I was really around them, they not only made sure to tell people about how intelligent I was and how I was head cheerleader (in high school - I mean, really, it didn't matter to me anymore), but also about my family. It's like they had to force people to approve to make sure they were seen as "good" by everyone else. Again, it's not that this was awful behavior, but it was fishy and weird, and it was definitely covering up their abusive behavior which I had not yet seen. This type of behavior, I have learned, is common among abusive people. They portray themselves in a way so that the outside world won't see it. This is exactly what my in-laws were doing at this time.

Okay...on to the actual first abusive behavior that began to be thrust upon me.

To put things lightly, my husband had a huge lying problem from being raised in an abusive home. Not uncommon for children of abusive parents to develop a problem such as this, but I didn't know at the time that they were abusive.

Well, I started to sense my boyfriend at the time was lying to me. I would ask and ask. You know when you can tell someone is being dishonest with you (especially when you spend 24/7 with that person)? Yeah, well, I could tell. Sooooo I broke up with him, and told him until he could be honest with me, we couldn't date anymore.

The break up lasted a whole 4 hours or so. My husband's brother actually called me and made me feel bad for breaking up with him, so I went back over to talk to my husband. Needless to say, we worked it out despite the fact that my husband didn't come clean at the time.

My husband had a request of me when we got back together. He wanted me to call his family and apologize. Why? I still don't know the actual reason and neither does he (Now, I pin it on his abusive controlling home he grew up in), but I loved him so I did it - unfortunately!

His dad answered. It wasn't a pleasant conversation. I was completely destroyed in 30 minutes. I didn't do much talking in that 30 minutes - I got griped out; my character was degraded; I was literally being ripped to pieces by my then-boyfriend's father. I can't recall everything he said because it was years and years ago, but I can sum up what I remember. I know he told me it was outrageous that I could go from wanting to marry someone to dumping him blindly. He also told me that if my husband was lying to me it was my fault because I was obviously unstable. He told me that lying is okay if you want to spare someone's feelings (not the last time I heard these things). He told me I was a bad person for doing something like that to his son. He also told me he had never been as disappointed in someone as he had been in me, and that he would never trust me to treat his son well. That's what I remember. I also remember I got off the phone bawling my eyes out. That's when I began to be scared of his dad.

I didn't think anything of it - I thought it was a one time thing; something he did because he was upset for his son. Keep in mind that people often lose their cool and will say things they don't mean - that is not abuse. When it becomes constant, and a habit; when the perpetrator cannot see what they are doing is wrong and they can never fix the problem; when they put the blame on the victim or others; when they humiliate and make others feel worthless; these are signs of emotional abuse. I thought this instance was simply a reaction; not abusive behavior. I didn't know, at the time, that this was who he was. He is an abusive person.

My husband and I dated barely under a year before we got engaged, so I only have one more instance where my character was put down. When we drove back from college for the summer, my husband's father didn't greet me pleasantly when we arrived at their house. No "How was the trip?" or "How are you?" Nope...instead, I got a, "You haven't done anything else crazy we have to watch for, have you?" And when I replied with a timid, "No," I got a, "Good, because we don't need that for our son." Seriously? Did he really just say that to me? Again, I brushed it off.

Then, after we went to church the next day, and I got barricaded with a buttload of questions from his family and close friends about our wedding and honeymoon and money, I got grilled by his dad after. We weren't even engaged yet...talk about a very uncomfortable day! His dad made sure to say, "Now, you're not going to go breaking my son's heart again are you?" And, again, I said, "No; not that I know of right now." Then he went on and on about how that was good because they already told everyone I was the one for my husband and we were getting married and they didn't want me screwing that up and humiliating them. Okayyyy, did I just hear that right? Are you deciding our marraige for us? I think not! I mean, I know my husband had told them all of these things, but who were they to go around telling everyone, and then trying to tell me what to decide and do? Again, this was very annoying, but I brushed it off as reactions to stressful times.

That was the last time I really rememeber being around them in person before we got engaged.

Sooooooooo.....drum roll please!

The next post will be about when were engaged! We were only engaged for a few months, so it shouldn't take too long...I hope. But, then again, I didn't think this one would be very long. Engagement time may come in the form of two posts, but we'll see!

Where to begin?

Well, I've thought about where to begin this blog because so much has happened. I honestly kind of feel overwhelmed with the amount of information I have to share.

I just decided to start from the very beginning. This stuff doesn't really pertain to emotional abuse, but it's where my story starts, so here goes.

I was born and raised in a loving home. My family was and is not perfect by any means; trust me, we've had our ups and downs. However, overall, I'd say my family is pretty dang great. I don't think I ever realized this enough growing up. When I went to college, I began to recognize how blessed I truly was to have my family, specifically my parents. My dad is the most selfless person I have ever met in my entire life. He makes me feel like I'll always be safe my whole life because I know he would never let anything happen to me. He will always be there to help. My mom has always been there when I need her, even if it is in the middle of the night. My parents truly cared about their children and each other. They didn't fake it. They never put on show or boasted for others. But, that love and care was there, and we could all feel it. They had rules, but they weren't overly strict. They gave us freedom and trusted us, while still making sure we weren't making bad decisions. They have given me an excellent examples of the parent I would like to be one day.

My husband's family of origin description will come later because I didn't start finding out the truth until later.

Growing up, I never understood how families couldn't just get along with each other when their children got married. I always said I wanted to get along with my in-laws, I wanted them to love me, I wanted my family to love my husband, and him to love them. People always warned me that was not always possible. I didn't understand; it seemed so simple. You just get along! That's always how it was in my family. Those that married in were treated like family. We all got along. Sure, there are times when we all annoy each other, but you don't make a huge fuss. It's not worth ruining relationships. Little did I know what was to come for me.

Sorry this is so short, but I just wanted to give all of you some background information on me. It's not much, but it will give you some insight as to how much of a blow everything has been for me. It has all blindsided me.

My next post will more than likely be about my courtship with my husband. That is, unless something else hits me that happened before then.

Stay strong!