Emotional Blackmail and The Narcissistic Family

I've known about Narcissism in individuals for who knows how long, but I've never seen it described as a family unit.  I ran across this book:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/?keywords=janet+g.+woititz&qid=1350315369&ref=sr_1_45&ie=UTF8&sr=8-45

The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman.  I think I might order it.  Reading the reviews really caught my eye because those people sound like they came from a family like my husband's family.  They'll even say something like, "People thought we had a great family, but I always felt like something was off; those people didn't know what it was like on the inside; I could never pinpoint what felt wrong, but now I know."  Sounds like my in-laws!  Making the family seem "perfect" and you aren't allowed to feel anything negative or go against what they want.  That is my in-laws!  I could go on and on about how the reviews are like my husband's family, but I don't have the energy now.  Anyway, reading those was good for me to see that people go through similar situations, so the book probably would be beneficial.  Maybe it can help others too.

And here is another book:

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/?qid=1328547145&s=books&ref=sr_1_sc_1&ie=UTF8&sr=1-1-spell

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.  I'll probably order this one too!  I don't think I've heard of emotional blackmail before - at least not in that term.  I've heard of the techniques, but I have never had a name or label for it.  Oh man, I can't tell you how uncanny that is to my in-laws!  I read more about it online, and daaaaang, that is them!  My mother-in-law is more of the sufferer type, and my father-in-law is both the sufferer type and the punisher type.  Unfortunately, my husband's siblings are crafty at implementing emotional blackmail too, especially the youngest!  Seriously, even I have heard things like this over and over said to my husband:

"Do you love our family or not?"
"After everything we've done for you."
"We must be failures as parents."
"If you loved me/us, then you would do this."
"You must not care about us at all."
"How can you be so cold and heartless?"

Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head, but there are many many more.  I always knew those kinds of statements were extremely manipulative; I guess that's how I labeled it.  But emotional blackmail makes sense.  My husband heard these types of things his entire life.  He was always guilted into doing everything they wanted.  He eventually learned to just do what they wanted (or act like he did it even if he didn't) and pretend to be who they wanted or thought he was.  His mom was especially bad about making him feel like he was responsible for her emotions.  Don't do that to your kid!  And his dad....ha, there would be some you know what to pay if you didn't do or be what he wanted - or at least pretend to do and be what he wanted.  Many of the statements above were from his dad too, so he was a double emotional blackmailer.  Yikes! He was also really keen on the silent treatment or, in clinical terms, stonewalling. My husband said if they didn't conform to what their dad wanted or upset him in any way (usually no reason to even be upset - like my husband not pitching a good game - really?), then he would go days, even weeks, without interacting with you. Very manipulative and also emotional blackmail!

In reading about emotional blackmail, I ran across this quote:

"Then, 'what happens if the other person doesn't comply with the manipulation, but just goes on being pleasant and friendly... [is that] your manipulation steadily amplifies... there will be arguments, emotional pressures, even separations.' Thus 'when one person changes the signals by pulling out of the family system,' they may find others 'brand the victim, crazy, unforgiving or a family wrecker.'"

Well helllllooooo, that is definitely what happened to me because I didn't just do everything they wanted, and then my husband broke away and stopped doing everything they wanted, and now they call me all kinds of horrid things!  We are like the examples of that quote!

Just found these books intriguing and interesting, and very much applicable.

Oh, no you will not use our baby in your lies of manipulation and control!

If there is one thing that will make my husband and me madder than you can imagine, it will be in some way hurting our baby or using our baby or taking advantage of our baby or...you get the picture. Anything that can be considered negative and involves our baby somehow.

You know, it's bad enough that they've abused my husband his whole life and then they started abusing me too when we got married. It's also bad enough that they also attack my family. Or how about lying about it all and manipulating everyone around them so that they believe their stupid facade.

Well how low can they stoop? How about lying and involving our 2 month old baby?! This isn't a joke...it really happened.

Remember a couple of years ago, they lied saying they got a phone call from my husband and he left a gargled message saying he was sick? They actually called our bishop and lied to him claiming that happened!

Wellll this past week, our bishop calls my husband and says their bishop called him, claiming my in-laws "heard the baby was sick and they were so worried and concerned and wanted to make sure the baby's okay."

Oh, heeeeck no! Look, we are well aware they lie, but who uses a 2 month old, sweet, innocent, little baby in their lies to try to manipulate and control?! Siiiick people, that's who! And anyone who is smart knows they wouldn't hear anything about our baby. They don't even know our baby's name! They are seriously trying to lie about our baby to be manipulative and controlling and just plain crazy!

So, let me get this straight. You think the way to have your son in your life is to verbally beat his wife to the ground, and then to make up a lie concerning his baby? Oh yeah, makes perfect sense to me - the 2 people who mean more to him than anyone else.

Oh, and let's not forget that their bishop decided this was a good time to "explain" the situation to our bishop. Our bishop already knows about the situation, but I guess it is important for their bishop to bash my parents and me as well, and put all of the blame on my parents and me too.

Oh, and um...apparently they want to take us to court for grandparents rights. Ha...let them. They have no rights in our state. They have never met our baby and we intend to keep it that way to protect our child. Why would we put our baby in a dangerous situation with people who are abusive - physically and emotionally to my husband and emotionally to me. No way! Considering they have no relationship with our baby, they won't get any rights. That is our choice since we have a good marriage and relationship with one another. Even if something happened to us, don't they realize a judge would give our baby to the grandparents our baby knows over the ones our baby doesn't know?

Oh...and I guess this is how they think we'll let them back into our lives? By continuing to deny everything they've done, make up lies, beat us down, be abusive, stalk and harass us, and if that's not enough (even though I haven't listed everything)...let's take them to court to try to get grandparents rights. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. They are so delusional!