Yet Another Email

Here is another email we received. This was shortly before everyone (my husband, me, my parents, & my in-laws) was going to meet with our bishop. Our bishop really wanted to help, but it's going to take my in-laws recognizing their wrongs and changing how they treat us to help anything. Anyway, here is what it said:



Manipulation - Influence by cunning - Met with Bishop and sister (lady who goes to church with them) yesterday, that is exactly what they said will happen with someone of this condition. (My husband), you and your bishop have fallen into this category. Sister (lady in their church) is very sorry to here your decisions, and is praying for you.

Hurt- feel or cause pain, Do harm to - This is what has happened to our relationship. The wounds are so deep that they cannot be mended. Your bishop has done this to mom, after telling her last night that her words are going unheard (in the bishop's handbook, it states that he cannot make judgement without knowing the whole truth. You have not told him the whole truth).

Injury - hurt, damage, or loss sustained - This is what you have allowed your wife to do to our family. Twenty-one years to build. Eight months to destroy.

Worthy - having worth or value - something that you have a lot of, but have been told otherwise by a previous Bishop. That is not something a current or previous bishop is supposed to tell someone when they have no supporting data to back it up.

Lose - fail to keep to or hold - After Thursday this is what has happened to Mom, Dad, (and my husband's siblings).

**Stake President is sorry to see such a great WORTHY young man, have such a difficult life ahead of him. He is also praying for you.

***I have explained to the new bishopric our situation. Everyone is praying for your safety and hoping you make good choices.

****We have asked your grandparents to keep you in their prayers.

*****As a family we are praying for your safety, and want good things for you (my husband). We are sorry we did not do a better job preparing you. We will have to be better examples for your brother and sisters and hope we do not lose them to.

We will always love you (my husband)






I'm not really in the mood to discuss how this made me feel. Just know that I was so hurt, and at this point (we had been married for about 10 months), I really started to believe these things they were saying about me were true. I truly believed I had some kind of disorder, but I have had it confirmed to me over and over again that I do not. Just notice the guilt and control they are trying to lay in to him in this email. Plus, how many people they brought in to it. I've always said what they see in me is themselves. I'm not sure why. Pretty much everything they said regarding these words - what I've done, or anyone else - was made up, or derived from them twisting something else. I hate how dishonest they are.

Soon, I'm going to make a post full of things I wish I could say to them - things that I just need to get out there. I hope y'all can see how awful this email is. It's wrong on so many levels. My husband got really upset about this and sent them an email back in the same format - defining words, and then elaborating on those words...all telling them the way they were acting was/is wrong. Well, that's all I really want to say. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and I honestly feel emotionally drained right now. I just thought I would posting something for y'all.

A good quote

Many times, this quote sums up how I feel:

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”

This is from Lord of the Rings. Frodo says it at the end of Return of the King.

I'm not saying you can't move on from abuse. You can move on from it; however, the wounds from abuse will always be in you. How you let it affect you is what makes all the difference. Do you constantly remain in the victim state? Undoubtedly, you will be in that state for a long time. Or, do you accept it as something that happened to you and move on from it? I'll admit that sometimes I still find myself in the victim state. This state is surfacing less and less and that's a good feeling. It will be nice when one day it clicks, I forgive them, and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean I have a relationship with them like nothing ever happened. No, that can only happen if they recognize their behavior as abusive and permanently change. Forgiveness simply means you don't harbor bad feelings toward them anymore, and you are able to move on with your life. I haven't accomplished that yet. Research tells me that forgiveness takes a while in these situations, and I must be patient. I'm just waiting for that forgiveness to come. That will be my final peace, and I will finally be able to move on.

One email I got from them

This email came in response to me telling them I wanted to have a good relationship with them and asking them to stop being negative about me and towards me. They had already begun spreading lies and rumors about me and we had only been married for 8 months at this time. Well, I mean, I guess it all started before we ever got married, but I had only really noticed for about 4-5 months preceding this email. I really did want a good relationship with them. It was hard to form any kind of relationship with them when they constantly put me down, degraded me, blamed me for things, and spread so many terrible things about me. I remember this email made me so upset at the time. I was asking them kindly to please stop, and this is what I got back:

We are sorry you feel this way. The truth is that the (in-laws)'s have done nothing to negatively impact your marriage. We do not talk to (my husband) about his marriage. We only listen to (my husband) when he needs someone to vent to. He has always been a very happy and loving person. The loving person is still there, but the happy person is not, and we want to help him be happy, and part of that is to listen. We can only suggest that you get some medical help for your short comings and see if they can figure out what is wrong with you. Pushing blame on others does not fix your condition, it only makes it worse. If you want your marriage to work you have to forget about all the lies in the past, tell the truth to yourself and your family, and get some medical help. We will always be a part of (my husband's) life. (My husband)'s past will always be a part of (mu husband)'s life (and he had a happy past, he was always happy and smiling). We want to be a part of your future, but you have to come to grip with your short comings and erase them. Here is the scenario, you are standing in front of Heavenly Father and you want to enter the gates of Heaven to be with your family, are you prepared to explain. It could be a long wait if you don't get help. Your bishop and school counselor is obviously not helping, please see a doctor and get all the truth's out on the table. Good Luck,

Love,

(My husband)'s parents




I want to express how I feel now. Even though it's been 3 years since this was written, it still pains me. You see, my husband used to be such a pathological liar. He would lie about everything! They would get so mad at me for being upset that he was lying. They were convinced I was the problem, that I was causing him to lie; they had nothing to do with it. In reality, they had everything to do with it. He developed the horrid habit of lying in order to avoid being hurt by them. My poor husband. I didn't quite understand his lying back then, but I get it now. He has come such a long way. Sure, I still find out things from time to time, but at least he's not lying to me about things in the present anymore.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Just notice how they deny that they have done anything. They had done so much up to that point alone. Little did I know that it was just going to get worse. I haven't mentioned this, but my husband's brother went to school in the same state as us at this time, and he would always show up on the weekends at our house. He rarely called to give us a warning. Okay, we were newlyweds. Do you know how annoying this was? Well, my husband asked him not to come down as often, and they went kind of crazy over that even though his parents would tell his brother the same thing. Well, one weekend he came down, and went through my computer and phone while I wasn't home, and sent stuff to himself! Seriously, that really did happen! I was ticked! My husband asked him to apologize but he never did. Lame.

Anyway, back to the email. First, they deny that they have done anything. They constantly told my husband to leave me, they called me names, they would bad mouth me to everyone, including my husband, and they would be so rude and mean to me. It was beyond rude and mean - it was abusive; they are abusive.

They then say they wouldn't talk to him about his marriage; that they would only listen. Um, no. My husband told me so many times that he would have to talk to his family away from me because they would make him, otherwise, they would verbally abuse him. When they would talk to him on the phone, they would always bring me up, and try to create problems that didn't exist. For example, we didn't have kids then, and we don't have kids now...yet. However, they would constantly say stuff about me and our kids! Kids?! When did this happen? The point is, they would begin criticizing me, and they would get off on some kind of tangent in which they would develop these awful thoughts and scenarios that they actually believed! So, no. My husband did not try to talk to them about our marriage or me. They would force him into this awful conversation about his own wife.

Moving on. They say he's not happy anymore. This was just the beginning, but this has been said so many times since then that I can't even begin to estimate a number to equal how many times it has been said. But still, this is abusive - how mean and hurtful to claim his wife makes him unhappy!

Okay...medical help? Here's the sad part. I truly believed there was something wrong with me because I heard it so much from them. I went to many therapists, counselors, and doctors to make sure nothing was/is wrong with me. I suffered from some moderate depression and anxiety (mainly anxiety because they stalk us!) that was abuse-induced (this has since gone away as I've learned to manage their behavior), but they are convinced I have some kind of disorder. Sometimes, today, this still gets to me, and I start to believe there is something wrong with me. I have to remind myself what my main therapist would always say to me: "You are reacting NORMALLY to an ABNORMAL situation." I know I probably annoyed him because I asked him every session if he was sure there was nothing wrong with me; that I didn't have some kind of disorder. So, every session, he would say that I am reacting normally to an abnormal situation. Also, they (my husband's parents) both take prozac because they claim they both (the parents) have a chemical imbalance. But, I have news for them. Less than 2% of the people who take medicine like that have a chemical imbalance. They also claim they got on it for yelling. But, again, I have news for them. You don't get put on something like that for yelling. You get put on it because there is something wrong. Yelling can be treated with cognitive therapy, anger management, or something else along those lines. My major in college was related to psychology, and I'm getting my masters in counseling, so I know all about this. They are being dishonest about this - that's what I'm trying to point out. Anyway, once, they tried to claim his mom got pushed up to 250 mg. Wow, that's awfully high. The max is 80 mg. They are so dishonest, and they are usually dishonest in order to manipulate people. Well, there's obviously something fishy here. The point is that they were so abusive to me that even I started to believe the things they were saying about me. There comes a point when the abuse victims begin to tear themselves apart on their own. I reached that point.

And the worst part is at the end! Judging me? No one judges! You will be judged how you judge others, and they were trying to say I won't end up with my family; that's just terrible. They just told me I won't make it to heaven! What?!

After this email, my husband and I were apart for 3 or 4 days. I really didn't think we were going to make it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. They just constantly emotionally abused me, and I really couldn't handle it at all. Not to mention, I didn't even recognize this as abusive at the time. It wasn't until I switched majors in college and my professor talked about psychological and emotional abuse that I realized what they were doing. However, we made it through this. There was still a lot of pain as my husband played the middle man for a good 6 more months, but he put his foot down and we're great now.

This email made me feel worthless. It made me so angry, sad, scared, furious. Those are all normal reactions. I didn't know why I was feeling like that, so I really did think there was something wrong with me. However, those kinds of feelings are normal responses to being abused. Now I know that if I get angry, feel the anger. If I get sad, feel the sadness. I had a problem with panic attacks, and that was why. All of my life, if I felt any kind of negative emotion, I thought it was wrong, so I would block it out. Not only did I never like negativity to begin with, but my in-laws would make me out to be some kind of freak for being upset over things that I had a right to be upset about. Well, now I know. Feel the emotion. Allowing myself to feel the emotion lets those feelings not bottle up, ready to explode and take over my body physically in the form of panic attacks.
Note: there is a difference between feeling it and acting on it. I didn't act on my negative feelings, and I still don't act on my negative feelings. Back then, I wouldn't even feel it; I would almost be blank. Now, if I'm sad, angry, or upset in any way, I let myself feel it, but I never ever act on it.

One more note: because I was catching my husband and his family in a ton of lies, they began to think I was lying and very dishonest. They would always insinuate that I had some kind of problem with lying ("get all of the truths on the table"). Again, that's their way of life - putting everything on everyone else.

Wow. My emotions. Even now, knowing I should get out my feelings, I have a hard time. I think it's important for me to write how I feel; how this email made me feel. However, it's hard to do.

I really felt betrayed. I felt confused. I blamed my husband because I thought he allowed them to do this. It wasn't his fault though. He couldn't prevent them from acting this way. He still can't. I know how he feels. It's scary standing up to them because they are cruel. They are skilled at being manipulative and abusive. A kind-hearted person doesn't stand a chance against them. I felt absolutely depressed. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with me?" What have I done to deserve this?" I thought it was me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was a horrible person who did something to deserve this. Now, I have tears in my eyes reading this. How could people be so mean and not realize it? How could they not see how they treat other people? I always thought you got married and you would get two families. Yea! But, the reality is that doesn't always happen. Some people are selfish. Some people are wretched. Some people don't care about anyone but themselves. I have felt so much emotional pain from them. In time, it gets better, but the wounds never completely fade. I couldn't imagine treating someone the way they have treated me. I won't. I know what it's like. I'm so grateful for a husband who was able to recognize their behavior as abusive and was strong enough to break away from it. Otherwise, we probably wouldn't still be married.

Okay, soooooo

I figured instead of trying to write everything in sequential order, I would just write. Today, I am going to share the text messages my husband would receive on a daily basis. We got our numbers changed, and eventually they found out our new numbers, but then we changed them again, and haven't received anything since. We still don't know how they found out our new numbers, but oh well. That psychotic-ness is a completely different story. I'm not including names in order to protect privacy, but I'll let you know who is talking, and who they are talking about without mentioning names. Keep in mind, these are just the messages we saved in the last month or so before we got our numbers changed. We would email them to us just in case we need proof one day in court. I apologize for their poor grammar and spelling - they aren't very intelligent.

Oh, one more side note. All of these were sent right after we stopped talking to them. My husband had gotten really sick, and all chaos broke loose. They went nuts, and we left their house (that's where we were while he was recovering - we didn't live with them). I was honestly scared for my life that night we left. I'll have to tell that story a little later. Anyway, notice all of the small digs in these messages - they are meant to make you upset and mad. My comments are in italics.

Okay, here goes:

To my husband's original number:

From his mom:

I believe....that our background and our circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe... That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe........that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesnt stop for your grief. - something like she received this in an email, and she thought they applied to her because of all my husband and I were putting her through - always on us, you see.

The lung doctor needs you to call him. - then she gave the number to him

Call (your oldest sister) if u cant call me. - this is a dig, you see? Small, but meaningful. It's saying I'm controlling him "if you can't call me." It's saying if it weren't for me, he could make his own choices. Such is the way they act - they put it all on others; more often than not, on me specifically.

They have piano and church tonight if you want to see your sisters you can come over by yourself tonight after 830 - this was after we tried to bring his sister lunch one day and his mom showed up and chewed him out and said we were not allowed to see or talk to his sisters.

(My husband's name), you've made your point, i will not try to contact you again. I will always love you! Mom - another dig; trying to make him feel guilty; very manipulative.



From his sister - the older one:

If u want to know everything the doctor said then u need to call me. U might want to know exactly what he said! - trying to find any way to control him.

Well at least u have her family to share things with. That really sucks! - when they found out we were staying for my grandma's birthday.

They didnt tell me to say that! I love u both but ur treating mommy daddy and (my husband's brother) like crap and it hurts me so bad to c them like that! And i dont like the way uve been treated in the past! I will ALWAYS love u guys! - this was responding to my husband saying not to let his parents influence her like that

What about mommy daddy and (my husband's brother)? - this was when my husband said he loved her and his other sister too

They dont hate (me this time) they hate what shes done to u and our family! - he said he couldn't love them if they were going to hate me

That song is by gary allen not clay davidson! - this was in regards to some song his dad wanted him to listen to and kept pestering him about...ha




From his dad - warning...these are awful:

Bishop told me to do things with you and (my husband's brother) only no one else i told him i had three tickets i did tell you i could not get anymore because your wife (he actually said "your wife" here - he stopped calling me by name) was not invited if you heard that the bishop gave the tickets to me that is incorrect i will always apologize to you but you only i cannot apologize to the advisary and someone that calls my son unworthy or a child molester - the unworthy and child molester are things he made up about my family saying they called my husband these things. No one in my family ever called him these things; his dad took something and changed it. My brother said at one point he didn't trust my husband because he was dishonest (which he was - he formed a habit of lying to avoid the abuse in his home growing up); my husband's dad took this to mean he was calling him a child molester. How those two connect, I don't know. My dad just mentioned my husband didn't have a church calling; my husband's father changed this to mean that my dad was calling him unworthy. Also, notice he is referring to me as the adversary - aka, Satan. Gee, thanks. Oh, and to top it all off, here is what preceded this message: You see, I was raised a huge Texas Longhorn fan. My dad played baseball there, and we all love the Longhorns. Anyway, they were playing the college in my in-laws' town in football, and my husband and I had talked about going to watch them. A couple of days later, my father-in-law sent my husband a message saying he received 3 tickets to the game as a gift, and he wanted my husband to go. My husband, the sweetheart he is, said that he wouldn't go if I couldn't because that was unfair to me since I am a bigger Longhorn fan than any of them. He later asked where his dad got the tickets, and his dad fumbled around some answers eventually saying their Bishop gave them to him. My husband even asked how Bishop had the tickets, and his dad could never give him an answer about that one - he threw out a few "suggestions." Well, we later asked the Bishop about the tickets, and the truth came out. Hid dad bought the tickets on purpose and didn't want me around. Bishop never gave him the tickets. His dad lied, and lied about the bishop giving the tickets and saying he told him to go with just his sons! We asked bishop if he told my husband's father to only do things the three of them, and he said no, that he told him to do things as a whole family and include me! Ugh! Then, my husband's father had the nerve to deny what he actually said, and put it on my husband saying he heard wrong. Excuse me, but I was sitting right there and witnessed the entire conversation about the tickets - you're the liar here dear father-in-law. Oh, the tangled web we weave.... Oh yeah, then, they went to the game (father-in-law, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law), and they came back home, and sooooo rubbed in my face...jerks!

Wow going to the people you hated the most in your life based on what you told mom and me (my family) won and that was their goal from day ones they got us what losers we are - this was when they found out we were driving to where my parents live to see them while we were in the state (we went to school in a different state); by the way, two of my brothers are married, and we have great relationships with my sis-in-laws. My sis-in-laws have great relationships with their families. So, I don't know why they think my family would want this kind of scenario, and why they think they set out to do this. ha...haha...hahaha...sometimes it's funny how they come up with such bizarre stuff.

Where did we fail as parents we cant let it happen to the others - trying to make him feel guilty

Please leave the girls out of your situation it is very hard for them to understand how a 20 year old can destroy an almost perfect family and have parents so devistated it hurts them tremendously when they see us hurting your wife and her family have convents you to distance yourself from your family you must keep the girls out of it thatspart of distance although we loue YOUdeeply we have to move on as a family - notice the following: "almost perfect family" - no family is perfect, but trying to claim you are is absurd; "convents (he meant convinced - ignorant dummy)" (this is saying we are controlling him once again; like my husband can't make decisions for himself; I guess it makes it easier to push the blame on other people; "you must keep the girls out of it, that's part of the distance" - they'll deny this later, and then bring them into it themselves; "YOU" - capitalization means they are trying to alienate me

We have shared all emails fantasy messages and text messages with (my husband's sister - the older one) so she has a better understanding of what is going on and the hatred towards our family she needed to know because she is hurting to see her brother become so hatefull toward her mom and dad i love YOU son - wait, I thought you said not to involve the girls? oh wait, that's right, it was to give you time to make stuff up to show them. Again, I'm not really sure what they could show her other than fake crap they made up. Again with the "YOU." Such a dig....

Hope you are ok son we love YOU - capitalizing the "YOU" again...ha...oh, burn

Dont get upset with your sisters and brother we sat down as a family and put everything on the table they know welove (me) as a daughter in law but nobody likes what she has done to our family and our son and brother its painful to all 5 of us and you let it happen sorry - this was received after the messages were sent from his sister above - notice the blame's always on me, and I'm such a terrible, awful person in their minds, yet when we would ask them what I've done to them, they couldn't come up with anything - nothing at all! Oh, and apparently my husband let it all happen? Let what happen, exactly? Oh yeah, that's right, you have no examples.

Love YOU son - capitalizing the "YOU"

I love you son. And grandpa says he does too. - putting the son in there is alienating me again.

This is (my husband's sister - the younger one). I borrowed daddys phone cause mines dead! I like to bare my testimony that i know the church and that the holy ghost is always with us protecting us and loves us. And i know that jesus christ will come again. And that he loves like our family does. I love my family i know that we are a family that would be together forever. I know that wn have a wounderful prophet and a fantastic bishopric. And thbt my brother will always be in..My heart and that he will see the light and come back. I love him so much and think about him always. In the name of jesus christ. - his sister didn't write this. She was too young to know how to spell some things, even if his dad misspells so much on his own. His dad was in the bishopric at the time, by the way. That's why that is written in there. They try sooooo hard to play the role of the "perfect family" that it's sickening. Stop being all talk dummies. His dad definitely wrote this, trying to pretend to be his sister. Even more manipulative and dishonest.

Temple trip was good and assured me and mom that we made the right choices Eave has partaken of the forbidden fruit and continues to partake and now she has gotten Adam to partake also the wife will heed to husband councel as the husband heeds to the counsel of the savior there are others someones not following the commandments we love YOU son - capitalizing "YOU" again; ha, yeah, that doesn't get old. Also, they are saying I am Eve, which I guess I should take as a compliment because Eve was amazing. However, they are using it in a negative way. I'm tempting him too do bad, I guess. Also, I don't think you're meant to go to the temple and judge others while you do a session...just saying. I'm also not following the commandments. How? I don't know because they could never tell us what I've been doing!

Thats not the point knucklehead its not a bill just to show why you say your not married unless asked quiet acting ignorant like a (my family) the people you said you hated more than anyone you wouldnever let your family relationship be destroyed what happen to your leadership your melting under pressure never that we would have a son who would be so hatefultohisparen - wow, way to go - you're calling your son names, putting down his character, and putting down my family - you're a real winner. Oh, and telling him to say he's not married. Jealous, much? Weird, much?

Sorry you feel we are such bad parents that you can't call on a day of thanks. I am sorry son and thankful to have you as a soN. We are thankful to have a savior that let's us know your true feelings. From. Your heart. Love ya. Dad - This was on Thanksgiving, obviously. Apparently, he can receive revelation for other people? Well, I guess I missed where that's possible - you receive revelation for yourself and yourself only. You can't receive it for other people.



To the changed number that they found out somehow:

From his dad:
Its not right that your little sister has to suffer the pain of surgury and cry herself to sleep wondering if her brother even cares - This was after she had her tonsils taken out. They are just so manipulative. They just don't get it. They also say it's me who won't let my husband talk to his sisters. I guess they "conveniently forget" they forbade us from having a relationship with them. Oh, and it's me who sends stuff to them for Christmas and their birthdays from both of us. Yeah, it's sooooo me here.

From his mom:
How long do you expect us to take this. (My husband's sister - the younger one) is your sister and she wants to hear from you. We've done everything we can. I guess your whole life was just a lie to you and were all liars to you too. One day it will be too late. Read this months ensign. We pray for you everyday and for patience. But when you don't even have the heart to talk to your sister that's pretty low. I taught you better. You use to be better than this. Its hard to believe the empty person you've become. Your family use to mean the world to you. You will never know of the blessings you're missing out on. How long are you going to kid yourself. I count my blessings everyday and those blessings include more than dad. You're living in a world that we can't understand. You look so empty when I see you. You say you're happy but I know you better and you know I can see right through the lies. I always have and I always will. - I think he looks unhappy when you see him because you were stalking him at this time and showing up where he was without being invited. I don't know, but I think that would make anyone upset. This is just very manipulative and abusive. The whole thing - they go about things in the completely wrong way. Their tactics are awful. Yeah, you've done everything you can except be nice and act normal! She just puts him down over and over in this - where does it click in her head that this is right to do at all?




Okay, so these are the messages we have saved. I hope y'all can see what I'm talking about. Remember most of these came in about a month's time span or less. It was an every day thing. It still upsets me to read these. I try not to, but I know it might help someone, anyone. Please know that it's awful what they do, but we are away from it. Sure, they stalk us and find us everywhere we go, but they are not affecting our marriage anymore and that's what matters.

I'll post emails from them later. Those are terrible too. Maybe I can find a way to block out names on their letters. Those are even worse.