Signs of Emotional Abuse and Suggestions for how to Move On

This is mainly focusing on abuse from a partner, but it can be easily applied to other relationships as well (in my case, my in-laws).  Reading this reminded me of why we don't talk to them anymore - it all hits so close to home that's it's somewhat freaky.

This info came from this website:

http://www.women-on-the-net.com/emotional-abuse-signs-women-need.html

Emotional Abuse: Signs Women Need to Know

By Kathy Wilson

Emotional abuse is one of the most insidious forms of abuse a woman can suffer. Often, a woman doesn’t even realize that the unhappiness she feels has a name: abuse. According to mental health experts today, even if it is never physical…it is still abuse.

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse has only recently been recognized as a legitimate form of abuse, and is hard to identify or prove. It affects everyone within a home no matter who is the target of abuse. Emotional abuse can be subtle and gradual, so that the victim does not recognize she is being abused until it has become a significant trauma to her. It can happen to any woman, from any walk of life. It can happen to children, and if you are being emotionally abused, your children are too. And most importantly, it is not what you deserve and there is a way to healing.

Effects on Victims of Emotional Abuse:

• Emotional abuse saps a woman’s self esteem, creates anxiety and panic attacks, depression, and makes a woman feel trapped and alone.

• It teaches children to distrust the world, and isolate themselves in pain, anger and fear.

• It can cause lifelong, deep emotional pain.

Most experts agree that emotional abuse can be more damaging to a woman than physical abuse. However, since emotional abuse does not leave scars and bruises that one can see, it is difficult to convey the level of seriousness to those who have not been victims. “Sticks and Stones” is a lie, ladies. Not feeling supported or taken seriously further degrades the woman’s self esteem, and spirals her into a circle of pain and secrecy that is difficult, but not impossible to break free from.

Fortunately, recent studies are changing the way most people view emotional abuse, and are providing more support and resources to help women escape the cycle.

Signs you are being emotionally abused:

• You feel like you are walking on eggshells, watching what you say or do to prevent a bad reaction out of your partner.

• Your partner yells, swears, throws things or breaks things in a show of force and anger, even if it isn’t directed toward you. Doing it in front of you implies your partner is seeking to control you with whatever means necessary.

• Your partner hurts pets when he is angry, then brags about it.

• Your partner uses physical intimidation, even if he never touches you. This includes rushing across the room at you in anger, glaring hateful stares, shaking a finger in your face, or throwing things across the room.

• Your partner uses emotional blackmail to win arguments or disagreements…guilt, shame or my personal favorite…uses anger towards the children in the house or others you love to “shut you up”. You comply in order to spare the loved ones his wrath.

• Your partner feels his needs are the only ones that matter.

• He does not respect simple boundaries such as knocking on bedroom doors before entering a child’s room, even ones of the opposite sex.

• He belittles you or members of the family, calling names, casting hateful stares or making sure they know they are not accepted members of the family. Examples of this might be not allowing that family member to sit near them, or even be in the same room as them, for absolutely no reason other than to express his control over the victim. He may lead a campaign to convince other members of the family unit to tease just as merciless as he, or he may simply leave that member out of conversations or family events or traditions.

• Teasing crosses into cruelty hidden behind attempts to “help”: for example, he might ask “Why you stuff your face like a pig”, and then in the next instant claim he is trying to help you with your weight worries.

Signs of an abuser:

• An abuser has different rules for him than he does for everyone else.

• An abuser refuses to take responsibility for his behavior, often accusing you of overreacting.

• When confronted, he will use emotional blackmail to make you stay in the relationship. Ie. Subtle threats to commit suicide, pleading emotional instability, crying, guilt…you name it.

• Abusers often have substance abuse problems, which they refuse to recognize or get help for.

How to heal from abuse:

Abuse is defined as any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc.

The first step to healing from emotional abuse is to realize that it’s exactly that… abuse. Denial is prevalent among victims. Your self esteem has already suffered enough under the insidious attacks of the abuse; admitting to abuse is hard. Really hard.  No one wants to believe someone they love would hurt them this way, so they deny it’s happening. They even make excuses for their abuser. It can also be hard to accept the fact that you allowed yourself to become a victim. Take note ladies, you did not ask for this, and it can happen to anyone! I know how difficult it can be to accept this.  I also know that you CAN heal and find a healthy place in your life!

An abuser is also a master at turning things around on you, and making you wonder what role you had in the abuse. Comments like “Why didn’t you tell me earlier if I was so bad?” or “If it was really as bad as you say, why didn’t you leave me?” serve to relocate the responsibility for the situation on YOUR shoulders. Don’t buy it. An abusers prime method of denial is to minimize what is happening. “You made too big a deal out of it, I don’t remember it that way at all”. Sound familiar? And I bet you started wondering about whether he was right. This is the toughest part in escaping emotional abuse. You must learn to recognize the patterns of dysfunction and not allow them to sway you. Your self esteem has already been battered, and I know it’s easy to second guess yourself and feel confused when faced with an abusers tactics. For this reason, it is often better to remove yourself from the situation.

Abuse always gets worse with time. You are not going to heal him. If he won’t seek help for himself and stick to a long term pattern of change, you owe it to yourself to get out of the relationship. You owe it to your children to provide them with a learning experience that might prevent them from repeating the same old abuse patterns, and to protect them from exposure to further abuse. You have a lot to offer this world, but as long as you are trapped in a cycle of abuse that degrades your self esteem and keeps you in a living hell, you will never realize your full potential.

Emotional abuse is unhealthy, and it creates a cycle for you or your children that can be very difficult to break free from. If you can’t seek help for yourself, than do it for those you love. Call domestic violence services in your area for help, they are not just there for the physically abused. They can offer advice, and help you decide if you are indeed being abused, and how to get help. Find counseling, go to a minister, call your Mom. And be honest. Cry, sob, tell the story, relate the guilt, let out the anger… then stand up and get help. Emotional abuse can only be stopped if we stand up. People will only take it seriously if we stand up. And we will only stop this cycle with our children if we, the victims, STAND UP. When you stand up and do something about abuse, you cease being a victim, and you become a survivor.

Dealing with an Abusive Mother-in-Law

I got the following info from here (my mother-in-law is abusive, but so is my father-in-law and a few other in-laws [learned traits, I guess], so it's helpful knowledge all around):


http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Abusive-Mother-in-Law

While many people quietly suffer critical mother in laws, abusive mother in laws are totally different. If you have been physically or mentally abused by your mother in law, here is how to cope.

Steps

1. If you have been abused by your mother in law, it is not right, it is wrong. No one deserves verbal or physical abuse.
2. Look to your spouse. Ask your husband or wife how they are going to deal with this situation as it is his or her mother. He should understand the hurt you have gone through and speak to his mother and tell her that what she has done was wrong.
3. Ask your spouse to keep you away from her. Understand it will be hard for him as well because he would feel torn between you and his mom.
4. If you feel your partner is not understanding, you need to think about your relationship as well. If you are not getting his full support you will feel helpless.
5. Cut off your mother in law entirely. Nobody should be allowed in your life who abuses you. Do not try to make amends for the sake of your spouse.

Tips

• Try not to think it was your fault and it was right for your mother in law to abuse you.
• Tell your partner how you feel.
• Avoid your mother in law as much as you can till you are ready to build a relationship with her, that is if you think you can.
• Tell her if you feel comfortable what you feel about what she has done to you.
• Keep the kids away from abusive mother in law. She may be abusive to the children.

Warnings

• Never feel its your fault.
• Do not put up with abuse from anyone and think it is ok for that person to do that.
• Abuse is not just physical but it could also be in mental form.
• If someone is abusing you, they have problematic issues in their own life.

Things You'll Need

• Power
• Self belief
• Support from your partner
• Support from your parents
• Sense of humor

Weird/Ew

I've often said my mother-in-law disgusts me with how she acted towards my husband. He wasn't sexually molested or anything, but we've long established that her relationship with him was emotional incest (also known as covert incest). In a nut shell, her emotional needs (those that should be met through an adult - usually a spouse) were met through my husband. She really feels they were soooo close, but this was very one-sided. My husband could not talk to her about anything because it was all about her needs being met. This means I find out some things she told him or did with him or acted like towards him, etc. that absolutely creep me out.

Okay, well, I found something out that grossed me out....a lot!  You just really shouldn't talk to your kids about things like this.  I'm not even kidding when I say this...

The other day, my husband said, "This probably won't surprise you, but my mom talked to me about my dad's weiner (penis)."

I was like, "Wait, what?"

And he said, "Yeah, she would tell me what it would do."

That's really all I needed to hear, and I'll just leave it at that.  Seriously, ewwwwwwwww!  I don't think kids should be hearing what their parents' private parts are like.

Oh, did I mention I already knew about her talking to my husband about her own boobs and va jay jay?  Oh, and both of his parents talked to him about their sex life...

Yeah...sick!

I couldn't imagine...

I haven't posted in a while because I only post when things really get to me. However, we discovered my sis-in-law's facebook status said this:

"Writing a paper about someone important in your life, but that isn't involved in your life anymore can be hard and emotional!!! :/"

There were some responses of good luck, call me if you need cheering up, it can help you cope, blah, blah, blah. Those were from extended family and friends. Personally, I always think those kinds of statuses are just the people starving for attention.

Anyway, here's what my fabulous (*cough*sarcasm*cough*) parents-in-law (they share a facebook, so I'm not sure which one it was) write back:

"Compared to what you still have heavily out weighs the loss. Write it and think about the positives. We are stronger because of it. That important someone has it even worse than you. Love ya baby girl"

Okay, say whaaaaaat? Did you really just say that what you have heavily outweighs the loss - WHICH IS LOSING YOUR SON?!?!?! I'm just a little baffled by that. I could not imagine losing a child and then acting like it's not a big deal because I have better things that are better than that child. I don't even have kids, but if I lost one of my dogs (which totally are my children right now), I wouldn't even say what I have outweighs the loss, and those are my dogs for crying out loud! My poor husband saw it, and he just said, "Well, I guess that shows how they felt about me." My goodness!

I mean, the whole "That important person has it even worse than you" is nothing new. A stab at me, of course. What's new, right? I mean, that was hurtful too, but you know...how could you say that crap about your own son?!?!? I'll never understand...ever! How low do you have to be to not even care about having your own son in your life whom you claimed to be soooo close to? Oh, wait, that's right...you were never close to him; you never even knew him!

Ughhhhh! Seriously...they are just pouring more and more salt in the wound! After all these years, and you still go with acting like that? I mean, not only would they have to sincerely apologize to me, to my husband, to us, to my family, to my friends, etc., and then actually change; but, they would also have to try to repair all of the damage they have done! For goodness' sakes, I have people I don't even know writing me and my husband bashing us based on what his family has done and said. That's pretty dang bad. Even if they did all of that, we still don't know if we could have anything to do with them because so much damage has been done.

Sometimes I just want to expose everything they've done so people can know what they are really like, and who they are. But, then I think about it, and I realize that will only make things worse.

So, I sit back, write on my anonymous blog, and let them stomp on me, on my husband, on us, and others around us over and over and over.

Seriously, sometimes being the bigger person is lame.

P.S. We have them blocked on facebook, but their profiles are totally public, so we can see what they do on there (through my mom's account - she totally knows we use it for that; it's cool).

Maybe this will bring some comical relief too...

Or, it will make you mad. Or, it will make you mad/frustrated and make you laugh at the same time, while you're thinking, "What are they thinking?"

The Monday after my brother-in-law got married, my husband received a phone call from our bishop. He asked my husband if he was sick, to which my husband said, "No; do I sound sick?" Our bishop then explained that he received a call from my mother-in-law. He said "Our last name" showed up on his caller id, but he knew the area code wasn't our's, so he knew it wasn't us. So, he let his voicemail/answering machine get it. She left a message saying they had just returned from vacation and that they had a "gargled" message from my husband on their phone saying he was really sick.

Okay, say what? A gargled message? hahahaha...are you kidding me? Then, to have the nerve to call our bishop and flat out lie to him!

Oh, and since the opportunity presented itself, we also told him about how our bank had notified us twice in 5 days of someone trying to log in to our account, so we kept having to change our password. To log in to our account, you either have to have the username (which was picked by my husband's parents, so they know it) or my husband's social security number (which they also know). I'm going to go out on a limb here (though not really - definitely being sarcastic with that statement) and say it was my in-laws trying to log in to our bank account. Really? I mean, really? When we changed our username, the hackers stopped. Coincidence? I think not. Stupid crazies.

Back to the story of the "phone call." After my husband explained that he was not sick, had not been sick, and had not called them, our bishop said he would just leave it be, that they were playing games, he didn't want to play, and so he wouldn't respond.

Flash forward a few days.

We went to a water park all day, and when we got in our car, my husband had a message from our bishop. It said my in-laws had called his home three times and left messages each time and called the church office once, leaving a message there too. He also said a bishop from their home town (their old bishop, but not current bishop; our bishop didn't know this until we told him; he just knew he had a message from a bishop and wanted to figure out the relevance of him). He said he wanted to call the bishop back as a courtesy, but he wanted to talk to my husband to understand who the bishop was.

My husband called him back and told him he is not their current bishop but an old bishop. He also said he did not call them, and he couldn't have even accidentally called them because he doesn't even have their numbers stored in his phone. He said he hasn't even been close to sick, so it's just a flat out lie they are trying to pull over on everyone. This was also the day we got the postcard raving about my brother-in-law and his new wife, which was then read to our bishop, and he just said the same thing: they are playing games.

Well, I guess our bishop called their old bishop back and explained everything - that my husband is not sick nor has he been sick recently, he did not call them, and he couldn't have even butt dialed them because their numbers are not in his phone. The old bishop's response? "Yeah, I figured that's what they were doing."

I was shocked when I found out that's how that old bishop responded. I think it's kind of good news because it shows me that at least some people see what they are like.

Anyway, lies, lies, and more lies. I love our bishop so much because he doesn't put up with it, he doesn't give in, and he keeps us safe.

I hate how they always end up bothering our bishops of our wards and stake presidents, etc. They also bother our friends and family; however, it's nice to know who we can count on!

Blahhhhh this is just a small story/example of their lies. Many times their lies are much more hurtful and a lot deeper than this. They try to take them as far as they can, and they will build and build on them. Sad thing: they'll actually believe their own lies. They will always believe my husband called them, no matter what my husband says, our bishop says, their old bishop says, what anyone says. They never, ever go back on their lies. And that's pretty scary.

It's been a while...

Mainly because I have been dealing/coping with my in-laws better in the last few months. However, in the last few weeks, I've been having a hard time. I'm not sure why, but I have been upset when they do stuff. To lighten the mood, let me share a funny statement by my husband.

My brother-in-law recently got married, and I knew my in-laws would compare me to her and our marriage to their marriage, etc. It still didn't make it any easier when it happened.

We got a postcard in the mail shortly after their wedding, and the dad talked about how they missed my husband at the wedding, but they understood. Really? You understand how horribly you've treated me and us and that we don't want to talk to you to protect ourselves from further harm? Oh, wait, that's right...you don't understand because you make stuff up in your head about what I've done and how my husband wants to have a relationship with you, but I won't let him (among other things you make up). Yeah, you definitely do not understand, so just stop trying to say you do.

They went on to say how his brother really hit a homerun with his new wife, how awesome they are together and how happy they are together. Great...score...it already starts. I know it may not seem like much, but it's all meant to hurt me/us, but mainly me. I mean...how do you think it makes me/us feel when for so long all they say about/to me/us is negative, negative, negative. Boo on them!

Then comes my hubby with a statement to try to help make me feel better. Here's what he said to me (not to his family or anything since it was only said through a postcard - but still sweet and funny anyway):

Really? He hit a homerun? Well I hit a grand slam. And not just any grand slam. It's game 7 of the world series, on the road/away game/hostage territory, bottom of the 9th inning, 2 outs, full count, my team's down by 3, bases loaded, and I hit a grand slam to win not only the game, but the world series.

Thanks sweet husband. :) Good thing I understand baseball! :)

Really Quick...

In my behavior and emotional disorders class, we learned about all of the personality disorders today.

You know how I mentioned I feel like my mother-in-law has avoidant characteristics? Well, after hearing about Dependent Personality Disorder, I realized she totally fits it! What got me? When he said they're the ones who won't harm you face to face, but they'll wait for the second to get you secretly (He mentioned how they'll smile to your face and then use your tooth brush to clean the toilet...lol). Well, it reminded me of my mother-in-law because she always tries to hide behind my father-in-law, but she totally stabs you in the back all of the time! She's the one who is sending crap to my sis-in-law saying I'm abusive and manipulative and brainwashing ppl (esp. my husband). She does her stuff secretly, while my father-in-law is much more obvious about it, and then he doesn't care and doesn't say he's doing anything wrong (nothing could ever be his fault!). I always felt like my sis-in-law (the older of the two) and my bro-in-law were very dependent-like, and that my sis-in-law also exemplified avoidant traits like her mother, but now I know the mother-in-law and sis-in-law are BOTH dependent, and BOTH have those avoidant traits as well. Not surprising because Dependent PD and Avoidant PD are often co-morbid with each other.

Oh, and after having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) taught to my husband and me, we are further reassured how much my father-in-law has this disorder.

I have noooo idea where they think I have it (NPD) because it is definitely the opposite of me - a big part is having the best of everything (car, house, clothes, looking the best, etc.), and that is definitely not me! haha...it actually made me laugh when it was being taught because it's really amusing that they could think that's me (because it's so far off from me)...anyway...just thought I'd share!