We are sorry you feel this way. The truth is that the (in-laws)'s have done nothing to negatively impact your marriage. We do not talk to (my husband) about his marriage. We only listen to (my husband) when he needs someone to vent to. He has always been a very happy and loving person. The loving person is still there, but the happy person is not, and we want to help him be happy, and part of that is to listen. We can only suggest that you get some medical help for your short comings and see if they can figure out what is wrong with you. Pushing blame on others does not fix your condition, it only makes it worse. If you want your marriage to work you have to forget about all the lies in the past, tell the truth to yourself and your family, and get some medical help. We will always be a part of (my husband's) life. (My husband)'s past will always be a part of (mu husband)'s life (and he had a happy past, he was always happy and smiling). We want to be a part of your future, but you have to come to grip with your short comings and erase them. Here is the scenario, you are standing in front of Heavenly Father and you want to enter the gates of Heaven to be with your family, are you prepared to explain. It could be a long wait if you don't get help. Your bishop and school counselor is obviously not helping, please see a doctor and get all the truth's out on the table. Good Luck,
Love,
(My husband)'s parents
I want to express how I feel now. Even though it's been 3 years since this was written, it still pains me. You see, my husband used to be such a pathological liar. He would lie about everything! They would get so mad at me for being upset that he was lying. They were convinced I was the problem, that I was causing him to lie; they had nothing to do with it. In reality, they had everything to do with it. He developed the horrid habit of lying in order to avoid being hurt by them. My poor husband. I didn't quite understand his lying back then, but I get it now. He has come such a long way. Sure, I still find out things from time to time, but at least he's not lying to me about things in the present anymore.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Just notice how they deny that they have done anything. They had done so much up to that point alone. Little did I know that it was just going to get worse. I haven't mentioned this, but my husband's brother went to school in the same state as us at this time, and he would always show up on the weekends at our house. He rarely called to give us a warning. Okay, we were newlyweds. Do you know how annoying this was? Well, my husband asked him not to come down as often, and they went kind of crazy over that even though his parents would tell his brother the same thing. Well, one weekend he came down, and went through my computer and phone while I wasn't home, and sent stuff to himself! Seriously, that really did happen! I was ticked! My husband asked him to apologize but he never did. Lame.
Anyway, back to the email. First, they deny that they have done anything. They constantly told my husband to leave me, they called me names, they would bad mouth me to everyone, including my husband, and they would be so rude and mean to me. It was beyond rude and mean - it was abusive; they are abusive.
They then say they wouldn't talk to him about his marriage; that they would only listen. Um, no. My husband told me so many times that he would have to talk to his family away from me because they would make him, otherwise, they would verbally abuse him. When they would talk to him on the phone, they would always bring me up, and try to create problems that didn't exist. For example, we didn't have kids then, and we don't have kids now...yet. However, they would constantly say stuff about me and our kids! Kids?! When did this happen? The point is, they would begin criticizing me, and they would get off on some kind of tangent in which they would develop these awful thoughts and scenarios that they actually believed! So, no. My husband did not try to talk to them about our marriage or me. They would force him into this awful conversation about his own wife.
Moving on. They say he's not happy anymore. This was just the beginning, but this has been said so many times since then that I can't even begin to estimate a number to equal how many times it has been said. But still, this is abusive - how mean and hurtful to claim his wife makes him unhappy!
Okay...medical help? Here's the sad part. I truly believed there was something wrong with me because I heard it so much from them. I went to many therapists, counselors, and doctors to make sure nothing was/is wrong with me. I suffered from some moderate depression and anxiety (mainly anxiety because they stalk us!) that was abuse-induced (this has since gone away as I've learned to manage their behavior), but they are convinced I have some kind of disorder. Sometimes, today, this still gets to me, and I start to believe there is something wrong with me. I have to remind myself what my main therapist would always say to me: "You are reacting NORMALLY to an ABNORMAL situation." I know I probably annoyed him because I asked him every session if he was sure there was nothing wrong with me; that I didn't have some kind of disorder. So, every session, he would say that I am reacting normally to an abnormal situation. Also, they (my husband's parents) both take prozac because they claim they both (the parents) have a chemical imbalance. But, I have news for them. Less than 2% of the people who take medicine like that have a chemical imbalance. They also claim they got on it for yelling. But, again, I have news for them. You don't get put on something like that for yelling. You get put on it because there is something wrong. Yelling can be treated with cognitive therapy, anger management, or something else along those lines. My major in college was related to psychology, and I'm getting my masters in counseling, so I know all about this. They are being dishonest about this - that's what I'm trying to point out. Anyway, once, they tried to claim his mom got pushed up to 250 mg. Wow, that's awfully high. The max is 80 mg. They are so dishonest, and they are usually dishonest in order to manipulate people. Well, there's obviously something fishy here. The point is that they were so abusive to me that even I started to believe the things they were saying about me. There comes a point when the abuse victims begin to tear themselves apart on their own. I reached that point.
I want to express how I feel now. Even though it's been 3 years since this was written, it still pains me. You see, my husband used to be such a pathological liar. He would lie about everything! They would get so mad at me for being upset that he was lying. They were convinced I was the problem, that I was causing him to lie; they had nothing to do with it. In reality, they had everything to do with it. He developed the horrid habit of lying in order to avoid being hurt by them. My poor husband. I didn't quite understand his lying back then, but I get it now. He has come such a long way. Sure, I still find out things from time to time, but at least he's not lying to me about things in the present anymore.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Just notice how they deny that they have done anything. They had done so much up to that point alone. Little did I know that it was just going to get worse. I haven't mentioned this, but my husband's brother went to school in the same state as us at this time, and he would always show up on the weekends at our house. He rarely called to give us a warning. Okay, we were newlyweds. Do you know how annoying this was? Well, my husband asked him not to come down as often, and they went kind of crazy over that even though his parents would tell his brother the same thing. Well, one weekend he came down, and went through my computer and phone while I wasn't home, and sent stuff to himself! Seriously, that really did happen! I was ticked! My husband asked him to apologize but he never did. Lame.
Anyway, back to the email. First, they deny that they have done anything. They constantly told my husband to leave me, they called me names, they would bad mouth me to everyone, including my husband, and they would be so rude and mean to me. It was beyond rude and mean - it was abusive; they are abusive.
They then say they wouldn't talk to him about his marriage; that they would only listen. Um, no. My husband told me so many times that he would have to talk to his family away from me because they would make him, otherwise, they would verbally abuse him. When they would talk to him on the phone, they would always bring me up, and try to create problems that didn't exist. For example, we didn't have kids then, and we don't have kids now...yet. However, they would constantly say stuff about me and our kids! Kids?! When did this happen? The point is, they would begin criticizing me, and they would get off on some kind of tangent in which they would develop these awful thoughts and scenarios that they actually believed! So, no. My husband did not try to talk to them about our marriage or me. They would force him into this awful conversation about his own wife.
Moving on. They say he's not happy anymore. This was just the beginning, but this has been said so many times since then that I can't even begin to estimate a number to equal how many times it has been said. But still, this is abusive - how mean and hurtful to claim his wife makes him unhappy!
Okay...medical help? Here's the sad part. I truly believed there was something wrong with me because I heard it so much from them. I went to many therapists, counselors, and doctors to make sure nothing was/is wrong with me. I suffered from some moderate depression and anxiety (mainly anxiety because they stalk us!) that was abuse-induced (this has since gone away as I've learned to manage their behavior), but they are convinced I have some kind of disorder. Sometimes, today, this still gets to me, and I start to believe there is something wrong with me. I have to remind myself what my main therapist would always say to me: "You are reacting NORMALLY to an ABNORMAL situation." I know I probably annoyed him because I asked him every session if he was sure there was nothing wrong with me; that I didn't have some kind of disorder. So, every session, he would say that I am reacting normally to an abnormal situation. Also, they (my husband's parents) both take prozac because they claim they both (the parents) have a chemical imbalance. But, I have news for them. Less than 2% of the people who take medicine like that have a chemical imbalance. They also claim they got on it for yelling. But, again, I have news for them. You don't get put on something like that for yelling. You get put on it because there is something wrong. Yelling can be treated with cognitive therapy, anger management, or something else along those lines. My major in college was related to psychology, and I'm getting my masters in counseling, so I know all about this. They are being dishonest about this - that's what I'm trying to point out. Anyway, once, they tried to claim his mom got pushed up to 250 mg. Wow, that's awfully high. The max is 80 mg. They are so dishonest, and they are usually dishonest in order to manipulate people. Well, there's obviously something fishy here. The point is that they were so abusive to me that even I started to believe the things they were saying about me. There comes a point when the abuse victims begin to tear themselves apart on their own. I reached that point.
And the worst part is at the end! Judging me? No one judges! You will be judged how you judge others, and they were trying to say I won't end up with my family; that's just terrible. They just told me I won't make it to heaven! What?!
After this email, my husband and I were apart for 3 or 4 days. I really didn't think we were going to make it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. They just constantly emotionally abused me, and I really couldn't handle it at all. Not to mention, I didn't even recognize this as abusive at the time. It wasn't until I switched majors in college and my professor talked about psychological and emotional abuse that I realized what they were doing. However, we made it through this. There was still a lot of pain as my husband played the middle man for a good 6 more months, but he put his foot down and we're great now.
This email made me feel worthless. It made me so angry, sad, scared, furious. Those are all normal reactions. I didn't know why I was feeling like that, so I really did think there was something wrong with me. However, those kinds of feelings are normal responses to being abused. Now I know that if I get angry, feel the anger. If I get sad, feel the sadness. I had a problem with panic attacks, and that was why. All of my life, if I felt any kind of negative emotion, I thought it was wrong, so I would block it out. Not only did I never like negativity to begin with, but my in-laws would make me out to be some kind of freak for being upset over things that I had a right to be upset about. Well, now I know. Feel the emotion. Allowing myself to feel the emotion lets those feelings not bottle up, ready to explode and take over my body physically in the form of panic attacks.
Note: there is a difference between feeling it and acting on it. I didn't act on my negative feelings, and I still don't act on my negative feelings. Back then, I wouldn't even feel it; I would almost be blank. Now, if I'm sad, angry, or upset in any way, I let myself feel it, but I never ever act on it.
One more note: because I was catching my husband and his family in a ton of lies, they began to think I was lying and very dishonest. They would always insinuate that I had some kind of problem with lying ("get all of the truths on the table"). Again, that's their way of life - putting everything on everyone else.
Wow. My emotions. Even now, knowing I should get out my feelings, I have a hard time. I think it's important for me to write how I feel; how this email made me feel. However, it's hard to do.
I really felt betrayed. I felt confused. I blamed my husband because I thought he allowed them to do this. It wasn't his fault though. He couldn't prevent them from acting this way. He still can't. I know how he feels. It's scary standing up to them because they are cruel. They are skilled at being manipulative and abusive. A kind-hearted person doesn't stand a chance against them. I felt absolutely depressed. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with me?" What have I done to deserve this?" I thought it was me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was a horrible person who did something to deserve this. Now, I have tears in my eyes reading this. How could people be so mean and not realize it? How could they not see how they treat other people? I always thought you got married and you would get two families. Yea! But, the reality is that doesn't always happen. Some people are selfish. Some people are wretched. Some people don't care about anyone but themselves. I have felt so much emotional pain from them. In time, it gets better, but the wounds never completely fade. I couldn't imagine treating someone the way they have treated me. I won't. I know what it's like. I'm so grateful for a husband who was able to recognize their behavior as abusive and was strong enough to break away from it. Otherwise, we probably wouldn't still be married.
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