I found this Link

http://compassionpower.com/Eggshells/index.html

Of course, I did it for my in-laws, and not my spouse. Here are my results.

Below 90: In your efforts to tiptoe around someone else’s moods, in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, disgusted looks, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you unconsciously edit what you say. To some extent, you second-guess your judgment, ideas, and preferences about how to live. You might even begin to question what you think is right and wrong. You probably have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that you are losing yourself. Your perceptions of reality and your sense of self are changing for the worse. You may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle aches, or stomach aches.




I honestly have so much anxiety with my in-laws. I'm extremely fearful of what they have done and what they could do. I think of scenarios that could happen; things they could possibly do in the future. It's just this never ending cycle that won't go away. They don't stop. They are now attacking my dad. What in the world is up with that? They are trying to destroy him. My dad handles it better than I do, but I'm so bothered by them. The things they are doing against my dad are backfiring, and they are not getting the results they want. One day, they'll realize they have built themselves walls of problems they cannot escape from. They are in the process of destroying their own lives; not mine.

Yet Another Email

Here is another email we received. This was shortly before everyone (my husband, me, my parents, & my in-laws) was going to meet with our bishop. Our bishop really wanted to help, but it's going to take my in-laws recognizing their wrongs and changing how they treat us to help anything. Anyway, here is what it said:



Manipulation - Influence by cunning - Met with Bishop and sister (lady who goes to church with them) yesterday, that is exactly what they said will happen with someone of this condition. (My husband), you and your bishop have fallen into this category. Sister (lady in their church) is very sorry to here your decisions, and is praying for you.

Hurt- feel or cause pain, Do harm to - This is what has happened to our relationship. The wounds are so deep that they cannot be mended. Your bishop has done this to mom, after telling her last night that her words are going unheard (in the bishop's handbook, it states that he cannot make judgement without knowing the whole truth. You have not told him the whole truth).

Injury - hurt, damage, or loss sustained - This is what you have allowed your wife to do to our family. Twenty-one years to build. Eight months to destroy.

Worthy - having worth or value - something that you have a lot of, but have been told otherwise by a previous Bishop. That is not something a current or previous bishop is supposed to tell someone when they have no supporting data to back it up.

Lose - fail to keep to or hold - After Thursday this is what has happened to Mom, Dad, (and my husband's siblings).

**Stake President is sorry to see such a great WORTHY young man, have such a difficult life ahead of him. He is also praying for you.

***I have explained to the new bishopric our situation. Everyone is praying for your safety and hoping you make good choices.

****We have asked your grandparents to keep you in their prayers.

*****As a family we are praying for your safety, and want good things for you (my husband). We are sorry we did not do a better job preparing you. We will have to be better examples for your brother and sisters and hope we do not lose them to.

We will always love you (my husband)






I'm not really in the mood to discuss how this made me feel. Just know that I was so hurt, and at this point (we had been married for about 10 months), I really started to believe these things they were saying about me were true. I truly believed I had some kind of disorder, but I have had it confirmed to me over and over again that I do not. Just notice the guilt and control they are trying to lay in to him in this email. Plus, how many people they brought in to it. I've always said what they see in me is themselves. I'm not sure why. Pretty much everything they said regarding these words - what I've done, or anyone else - was made up, or derived from them twisting something else. I hate how dishonest they are.

Soon, I'm going to make a post full of things I wish I could say to them - things that I just need to get out there. I hope y'all can see how awful this email is. It's wrong on so many levels. My husband got really upset about this and sent them an email back in the same format - defining words, and then elaborating on those words...all telling them the way they were acting was/is wrong. Well, that's all I really want to say. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and I honestly feel emotionally drained right now. I just thought I would posting something for y'all.

A good quote

Many times, this quote sums up how I feel:

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”

This is from Lord of the Rings. Frodo says it at the end of Return of the King.

I'm not saying you can't move on from abuse. You can move on from it; however, the wounds from abuse will always be in you. How you let it affect you is what makes all the difference. Do you constantly remain in the victim state? Undoubtedly, you will be in that state for a long time. Or, do you accept it as something that happened to you and move on from it? I'll admit that sometimes I still find myself in the victim state. This state is surfacing less and less and that's a good feeling. It will be nice when one day it clicks, I forgive them, and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean I have a relationship with them like nothing ever happened. No, that can only happen if they recognize their behavior as abusive and permanently change. Forgiveness simply means you don't harbor bad feelings toward them anymore, and you are able to move on with your life. I haven't accomplished that yet. Research tells me that forgiveness takes a while in these situations, and I must be patient. I'm just waiting for that forgiveness to come. That will be my final peace, and I will finally be able to move on.

One email I got from them

This email came in response to me telling them I wanted to have a good relationship with them and asking them to stop being negative about me and towards me. They had already begun spreading lies and rumors about me and we had only been married for 8 months at this time. Well, I mean, I guess it all started before we ever got married, but I had only really noticed for about 4-5 months preceding this email. I really did want a good relationship with them. It was hard to form any kind of relationship with them when they constantly put me down, degraded me, blamed me for things, and spread so many terrible things about me. I remember this email made me so upset at the time. I was asking them kindly to please stop, and this is what I got back:

We are sorry you feel this way. The truth is that the (in-laws)'s have done nothing to negatively impact your marriage. We do not talk to (my husband) about his marriage. We only listen to (my husband) when he needs someone to vent to. He has always been a very happy and loving person. The loving person is still there, but the happy person is not, and we want to help him be happy, and part of that is to listen. We can only suggest that you get some medical help for your short comings and see if they can figure out what is wrong with you. Pushing blame on others does not fix your condition, it only makes it worse. If you want your marriage to work you have to forget about all the lies in the past, tell the truth to yourself and your family, and get some medical help. We will always be a part of (my husband's) life. (My husband)'s past will always be a part of (mu husband)'s life (and he had a happy past, he was always happy and smiling). We want to be a part of your future, but you have to come to grip with your short comings and erase them. Here is the scenario, you are standing in front of Heavenly Father and you want to enter the gates of Heaven to be with your family, are you prepared to explain. It could be a long wait if you don't get help. Your bishop and school counselor is obviously not helping, please see a doctor and get all the truth's out on the table. Good Luck,

Love,

(My husband)'s parents




I want to express how I feel now. Even though it's been 3 years since this was written, it still pains me. You see, my husband used to be such a pathological liar. He would lie about everything! They would get so mad at me for being upset that he was lying. They were convinced I was the problem, that I was causing him to lie; they had nothing to do with it. In reality, they had everything to do with it. He developed the horrid habit of lying in order to avoid being hurt by them. My poor husband. I didn't quite understand his lying back then, but I get it now. He has come such a long way. Sure, I still find out things from time to time, but at least he's not lying to me about things in the present anymore.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Just notice how they deny that they have done anything. They had done so much up to that point alone. Little did I know that it was just going to get worse. I haven't mentioned this, but my husband's brother went to school in the same state as us at this time, and he would always show up on the weekends at our house. He rarely called to give us a warning. Okay, we were newlyweds. Do you know how annoying this was? Well, my husband asked him not to come down as often, and they went kind of crazy over that even though his parents would tell his brother the same thing. Well, one weekend he came down, and went through my computer and phone while I wasn't home, and sent stuff to himself! Seriously, that really did happen! I was ticked! My husband asked him to apologize but he never did. Lame.

Anyway, back to the email. First, they deny that they have done anything. They constantly told my husband to leave me, they called me names, they would bad mouth me to everyone, including my husband, and they would be so rude and mean to me. It was beyond rude and mean - it was abusive; they are abusive.

They then say they wouldn't talk to him about his marriage; that they would only listen. Um, no. My husband told me so many times that he would have to talk to his family away from me because they would make him, otherwise, they would verbally abuse him. When they would talk to him on the phone, they would always bring me up, and try to create problems that didn't exist. For example, we didn't have kids then, and we don't have kids now...yet. However, they would constantly say stuff about me and our kids! Kids?! When did this happen? The point is, they would begin criticizing me, and they would get off on some kind of tangent in which they would develop these awful thoughts and scenarios that they actually believed! So, no. My husband did not try to talk to them about our marriage or me. They would force him into this awful conversation about his own wife.

Moving on. They say he's not happy anymore. This was just the beginning, but this has been said so many times since then that I can't even begin to estimate a number to equal how many times it has been said. But still, this is abusive - how mean and hurtful to claim his wife makes him unhappy!

Okay...medical help? Here's the sad part. I truly believed there was something wrong with me because I heard it so much from them. I went to many therapists, counselors, and doctors to make sure nothing was/is wrong with me. I suffered from some moderate depression and anxiety (mainly anxiety because they stalk us!) that was abuse-induced (this has since gone away as I've learned to manage their behavior), but they are convinced I have some kind of disorder. Sometimes, today, this still gets to me, and I start to believe there is something wrong with me. I have to remind myself what my main therapist would always say to me: "You are reacting NORMALLY to an ABNORMAL situation." I know I probably annoyed him because I asked him every session if he was sure there was nothing wrong with me; that I didn't have some kind of disorder. So, every session, he would say that I am reacting normally to an abnormal situation. Also, they (my husband's parents) both take prozac because they claim they both (the parents) have a chemical imbalance. But, I have news for them. Less than 2% of the people who take medicine like that have a chemical imbalance. They also claim they got on it for yelling. But, again, I have news for them. You don't get put on something like that for yelling. You get put on it because there is something wrong. Yelling can be treated with cognitive therapy, anger management, or something else along those lines. My major in college was related to psychology, and I'm getting my masters in counseling, so I know all about this. They are being dishonest about this - that's what I'm trying to point out. Anyway, once, they tried to claim his mom got pushed up to 250 mg. Wow, that's awfully high. The max is 80 mg. They are so dishonest, and they are usually dishonest in order to manipulate people. Well, there's obviously something fishy here. The point is that they were so abusive to me that even I started to believe the things they were saying about me. There comes a point when the abuse victims begin to tear themselves apart on their own. I reached that point.

And the worst part is at the end! Judging me? No one judges! You will be judged how you judge others, and they were trying to say I won't end up with my family; that's just terrible. They just told me I won't make it to heaven! What?!

After this email, my husband and I were apart for 3 or 4 days. I really didn't think we were going to make it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. They just constantly emotionally abused me, and I really couldn't handle it at all. Not to mention, I didn't even recognize this as abusive at the time. It wasn't until I switched majors in college and my professor talked about psychological and emotional abuse that I realized what they were doing. However, we made it through this. There was still a lot of pain as my husband played the middle man for a good 6 more months, but he put his foot down and we're great now.

This email made me feel worthless. It made me so angry, sad, scared, furious. Those are all normal reactions. I didn't know why I was feeling like that, so I really did think there was something wrong with me. However, those kinds of feelings are normal responses to being abused. Now I know that if I get angry, feel the anger. If I get sad, feel the sadness. I had a problem with panic attacks, and that was why. All of my life, if I felt any kind of negative emotion, I thought it was wrong, so I would block it out. Not only did I never like negativity to begin with, but my in-laws would make me out to be some kind of freak for being upset over things that I had a right to be upset about. Well, now I know. Feel the emotion. Allowing myself to feel the emotion lets those feelings not bottle up, ready to explode and take over my body physically in the form of panic attacks.
Note: there is a difference between feeling it and acting on it. I didn't act on my negative feelings, and I still don't act on my negative feelings. Back then, I wouldn't even feel it; I would almost be blank. Now, if I'm sad, angry, or upset in any way, I let myself feel it, but I never ever act on it.

One more note: because I was catching my husband and his family in a ton of lies, they began to think I was lying and very dishonest. They would always insinuate that I had some kind of problem with lying ("get all of the truths on the table"). Again, that's their way of life - putting everything on everyone else.

Wow. My emotions. Even now, knowing I should get out my feelings, I have a hard time. I think it's important for me to write how I feel; how this email made me feel. However, it's hard to do.

I really felt betrayed. I felt confused. I blamed my husband because I thought he allowed them to do this. It wasn't his fault though. He couldn't prevent them from acting this way. He still can't. I know how he feels. It's scary standing up to them because they are cruel. They are skilled at being manipulative and abusive. A kind-hearted person doesn't stand a chance against them. I felt absolutely depressed. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with me?" What have I done to deserve this?" I thought it was me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was a horrible person who did something to deserve this. Now, I have tears in my eyes reading this. How could people be so mean and not realize it? How could they not see how they treat other people? I always thought you got married and you would get two families. Yea! But, the reality is that doesn't always happen. Some people are selfish. Some people are wretched. Some people don't care about anyone but themselves. I have felt so much emotional pain from them. In time, it gets better, but the wounds never completely fade. I couldn't imagine treating someone the way they have treated me. I won't. I know what it's like. I'm so grateful for a husband who was able to recognize their behavior as abusive and was strong enough to break away from it. Otherwise, we probably wouldn't still be married.

Okay, soooooo

I figured instead of trying to write everything in sequential order, I would just write. Today, I am going to share the text messages my husband would receive on a daily basis. We got our numbers changed, and eventually they found out our new numbers, but then we changed them again, and haven't received anything since. We still don't know how they found out our new numbers, but oh well. That psychotic-ness is a completely different story. I'm not including names in order to protect privacy, but I'll let you know who is talking, and who they are talking about without mentioning names. Keep in mind, these are just the messages we saved in the last month or so before we got our numbers changed. We would email them to us just in case we need proof one day in court. I apologize for their poor grammar and spelling - they aren't very intelligent.

Oh, one more side note. All of these were sent right after we stopped talking to them. My husband had gotten really sick, and all chaos broke loose. They went nuts, and we left their house (that's where we were while he was recovering - we didn't live with them). I was honestly scared for my life that night we left. I'll have to tell that story a little later. Anyway, notice all of the small digs in these messages - they are meant to make you upset and mad. My comments are in italics.

Okay, here goes:

To my husband's original number:

From his mom:

I believe....that our background and our circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe... That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe........that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesnt stop for your grief. - something like she received this in an email, and she thought they applied to her because of all my husband and I were putting her through - always on us, you see.

The lung doctor needs you to call him. - then she gave the number to him

Call (your oldest sister) if u cant call me. - this is a dig, you see? Small, but meaningful. It's saying I'm controlling him "if you can't call me." It's saying if it weren't for me, he could make his own choices. Such is the way they act - they put it all on others; more often than not, on me specifically.

They have piano and church tonight if you want to see your sisters you can come over by yourself tonight after 830 - this was after we tried to bring his sister lunch one day and his mom showed up and chewed him out and said we were not allowed to see or talk to his sisters.

(My husband's name), you've made your point, i will not try to contact you again. I will always love you! Mom - another dig; trying to make him feel guilty; very manipulative.



From his sister - the older one:

If u want to know everything the doctor said then u need to call me. U might want to know exactly what he said! - trying to find any way to control him.

Well at least u have her family to share things with. That really sucks! - when they found out we were staying for my grandma's birthday.

They didnt tell me to say that! I love u both but ur treating mommy daddy and (my husband's brother) like crap and it hurts me so bad to c them like that! And i dont like the way uve been treated in the past! I will ALWAYS love u guys! - this was responding to my husband saying not to let his parents influence her like that

What about mommy daddy and (my husband's brother)? - this was when my husband said he loved her and his other sister too

They dont hate (me this time) they hate what shes done to u and our family! - he said he couldn't love them if they were going to hate me

That song is by gary allen not clay davidson! - this was in regards to some song his dad wanted him to listen to and kept pestering him about...ha




From his dad - warning...these are awful:

Bishop told me to do things with you and (my husband's brother) only no one else i told him i had three tickets i did tell you i could not get anymore because your wife (he actually said "your wife" here - he stopped calling me by name) was not invited if you heard that the bishop gave the tickets to me that is incorrect i will always apologize to you but you only i cannot apologize to the advisary and someone that calls my son unworthy or a child molester - the unworthy and child molester are things he made up about my family saying they called my husband these things. No one in my family ever called him these things; his dad took something and changed it. My brother said at one point he didn't trust my husband because he was dishonest (which he was - he formed a habit of lying to avoid the abuse in his home growing up); my husband's dad took this to mean he was calling him a child molester. How those two connect, I don't know. My dad just mentioned my husband didn't have a church calling; my husband's father changed this to mean that my dad was calling him unworthy. Also, notice he is referring to me as the adversary - aka, Satan. Gee, thanks. Oh, and to top it all off, here is what preceded this message: You see, I was raised a huge Texas Longhorn fan. My dad played baseball there, and we all love the Longhorns. Anyway, they were playing the college in my in-laws' town in football, and my husband and I had talked about going to watch them. A couple of days later, my father-in-law sent my husband a message saying he received 3 tickets to the game as a gift, and he wanted my husband to go. My husband, the sweetheart he is, said that he wouldn't go if I couldn't because that was unfair to me since I am a bigger Longhorn fan than any of them. He later asked where his dad got the tickets, and his dad fumbled around some answers eventually saying their Bishop gave them to him. My husband even asked how Bishop had the tickets, and his dad could never give him an answer about that one - he threw out a few "suggestions." Well, we later asked the Bishop about the tickets, and the truth came out. Hid dad bought the tickets on purpose and didn't want me around. Bishop never gave him the tickets. His dad lied, and lied about the bishop giving the tickets and saying he told him to go with just his sons! We asked bishop if he told my husband's father to only do things the three of them, and he said no, that he told him to do things as a whole family and include me! Ugh! Then, my husband's father had the nerve to deny what he actually said, and put it on my husband saying he heard wrong. Excuse me, but I was sitting right there and witnessed the entire conversation about the tickets - you're the liar here dear father-in-law. Oh, the tangled web we weave.... Oh yeah, then, they went to the game (father-in-law, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law), and they came back home, and sooooo rubbed in my face...jerks!

Wow going to the people you hated the most in your life based on what you told mom and me (my family) won and that was their goal from day ones they got us what losers we are - this was when they found out we were driving to where my parents live to see them while we were in the state (we went to school in a different state); by the way, two of my brothers are married, and we have great relationships with my sis-in-laws. My sis-in-laws have great relationships with their families. So, I don't know why they think my family would want this kind of scenario, and why they think they set out to do this. ha...haha...hahaha...sometimes it's funny how they come up with such bizarre stuff.

Where did we fail as parents we cant let it happen to the others - trying to make him feel guilty

Please leave the girls out of your situation it is very hard for them to understand how a 20 year old can destroy an almost perfect family and have parents so devistated it hurts them tremendously when they see us hurting your wife and her family have convents you to distance yourself from your family you must keep the girls out of it thatspart of distance although we loue YOUdeeply we have to move on as a family - notice the following: "almost perfect family" - no family is perfect, but trying to claim you are is absurd; "convents (he meant convinced - ignorant dummy)" (this is saying we are controlling him once again; like my husband can't make decisions for himself; I guess it makes it easier to push the blame on other people; "you must keep the girls out of it, that's part of the distance" - they'll deny this later, and then bring them into it themselves; "YOU" - capitalization means they are trying to alienate me

We have shared all emails fantasy messages and text messages with (my husband's sister - the older one) so she has a better understanding of what is going on and the hatred towards our family she needed to know because she is hurting to see her brother become so hatefull toward her mom and dad i love YOU son - wait, I thought you said not to involve the girls? oh wait, that's right, it was to give you time to make stuff up to show them. Again, I'm not really sure what they could show her other than fake crap they made up. Again with the "YOU." Such a dig....

Hope you are ok son we love YOU - capitalizing the "YOU" again...ha...oh, burn

Dont get upset with your sisters and brother we sat down as a family and put everything on the table they know welove (me) as a daughter in law but nobody likes what she has done to our family and our son and brother its painful to all 5 of us and you let it happen sorry - this was received after the messages were sent from his sister above - notice the blame's always on me, and I'm such a terrible, awful person in their minds, yet when we would ask them what I've done to them, they couldn't come up with anything - nothing at all! Oh, and apparently my husband let it all happen? Let what happen, exactly? Oh yeah, that's right, you have no examples.

Love YOU son - capitalizing the "YOU"

I love you son. And grandpa says he does too. - putting the son in there is alienating me again.

This is (my husband's sister - the younger one). I borrowed daddys phone cause mines dead! I like to bare my testimony that i know the church and that the holy ghost is always with us protecting us and loves us. And i know that jesus christ will come again. And that he loves like our family does. I love my family i know that we are a family that would be together forever. I know that wn have a wounderful prophet and a fantastic bishopric. And thbt my brother will always be in..My heart and that he will see the light and come back. I love him so much and think about him always. In the name of jesus christ. - his sister didn't write this. She was too young to know how to spell some things, even if his dad misspells so much on his own. His dad was in the bishopric at the time, by the way. That's why that is written in there. They try sooooo hard to play the role of the "perfect family" that it's sickening. Stop being all talk dummies. His dad definitely wrote this, trying to pretend to be his sister. Even more manipulative and dishonest.

Temple trip was good and assured me and mom that we made the right choices Eave has partaken of the forbidden fruit and continues to partake and now she has gotten Adam to partake also the wife will heed to husband councel as the husband heeds to the counsel of the savior there are others someones not following the commandments we love YOU son - capitalizing "YOU" again; ha, yeah, that doesn't get old. Also, they are saying I am Eve, which I guess I should take as a compliment because Eve was amazing. However, they are using it in a negative way. I'm tempting him too do bad, I guess. Also, I don't think you're meant to go to the temple and judge others while you do a session...just saying. I'm also not following the commandments. How? I don't know because they could never tell us what I've been doing!

Thats not the point knucklehead its not a bill just to show why you say your not married unless asked quiet acting ignorant like a (my family) the people you said you hated more than anyone you wouldnever let your family relationship be destroyed what happen to your leadership your melting under pressure never that we would have a son who would be so hatefultohisparen - wow, way to go - you're calling your son names, putting down his character, and putting down my family - you're a real winner. Oh, and telling him to say he's not married. Jealous, much? Weird, much?

Sorry you feel we are such bad parents that you can't call on a day of thanks. I am sorry son and thankful to have you as a soN. We are thankful to have a savior that let's us know your true feelings. From. Your heart. Love ya. Dad - This was on Thanksgiving, obviously. Apparently, he can receive revelation for other people? Well, I guess I missed where that's possible - you receive revelation for yourself and yourself only. You can't receive it for other people.



To the changed number that they found out somehow:

From his dad:
Its not right that your little sister has to suffer the pain of surgury and cry herself to sleep wondering if her brother even cares - This was after she had her tonsils taken out. They are just so manipulative. They just don't get it. They also say it's me who won't let my husband talk to his sisters. I guess they "conveniently forget" they forbade us from having a relationship with them. Oh, and it's me who sends stuff to them for Christmas and their birthdays from both of us. Yeah, it's sooooo me here.

From his mom:
How long do you expect us to take this. (My husband's sister - the younger one) is your sister and she wants to hear from you. We've done everything we can. I guess your whole life was just a lie to you and were all liars to you too. One day it will be too late. Read this months ensign. We pray for you everyday and for patience. But when you don't even have the heart to talk to your sister that's pretty low. I taught you better. You use to be better than this. Its hard to believe the empty person you've become. Your family use to mean the world to you. You will never know of the blessings you're missing out on. How long are you going to kid yourself. I count my blessings everyday and those blessings include more than dad. You're living in a world that we can't understand. You look so empty when I see you. You say you're happy but I know you better and you know I can see right through the lies. I always have and I always will. - I think he looks unhappy when you see him because you were stalking him at this time and showing up where he was without being invited. I don't know, but I think that would make anyone upset. This is just very manipulative and abusive. The whole thing - they go about things in the completely wrong way. Their tactics are awful. Yeah, you've done everything you can except be nice and act normal! She just puts him down over and over in this - where does it click in her head that this is right to do at all?




Okay, so these are the messages we have saved. I hope y'all can see what I'm talking about. Remember most of these came in about a month's time span or less. It was an every day thing. It still upsets me to read these. I try not to, but I know it might help someone, anyone. Please know that it's awful what they do, but we are away from it. Sure, they stalk us and find us everywhere we go, but they are not affecting our marriage anymore and that's what matters.

I'll post emails from them later. Those are terrible too. Maybe I can find a way to block out names on their letters. Those are even worse.

Engagement

I actually forgot about this blog until just recently. I apologize. It's been a crazy few months. We graduated from college, moved across the country, began working, have taken tests to continue school, and applied for more schooling. Things have started to settle down, so I'll write about when we were engaged.

On a side note, we have discovered my mother-in-law had an emotional incest relationship with my husband. This only aided in the abuse by his father, and it helps explain why his mom pretty much had a meltdown when we got married.

These first few posts are boring because we haven't gotten to the extreme behavior - that came when we got married. It's ongoing too - some pretty crazy things have happened in the last month! I need to get past these beginning stages and get to the better examples.

Okay, so my husband proposed to me on the beach at sunset. In fact, he proposed at my favorite beach. It was perfect! The only annoying thing was, his family would not leave it alone! I suspected he would propose because of their strange behavior. They called constantly to check up on him; they even called to say they were around his ex-girlfriend (again...don't really know what else to call her - not really an "ex," but that's what she is in my in-laws' eyes - even though my husband doesn't feel like he dated her at all), and they walked up to her to let her know what he was doing. Sooooo annoying!

Anyway, despite their annoying actions, we had an excellent proposal. You see, I loooooove the beach. If I could get paid to be a beach bum, I would do it. I mean, I really really love the beach. And the particular beach we got engaged at happens to be one of my most favorite places. In fact, I always talked about it with my husband before we ever went there together. It's pretty much the best! He did a good job!

Moving on....

Once we got engaged, planning the wedding came. We got married in a different state than we were both from because it was always my dream, so we ended up having two receptions - one where we got married, and one where we are from. My in-laws insisted they take care of everything for the reception at the place we got married. I didn't mind, but I made sure to tell them what we wanted for that reception.

We figured it all out -the flowers, the decorations, the cakes, the songs, etc. Somehow, they conveniently couldn't find things we wanted. They claimed the flowers we wanted didn't come in the color we wanted. Gerber Daises don't come in a dark red? Yeah they do! Well my mother-in-law didn't want her sons wearing that dark red with their suits because she thought it would look bad. Well, let me tell you that they wore dark red roses at our other reception, and it looked way better than the white she wanted because the white wasn't as white as their shirts. Anyway....lies! Well, I actually didn't realize all of this until after we were married. Back then, I totally believed the florist couldn't get the gerber daises in dark red. Booooo! Anyway, they also didn't get the photographer we liked for their own reasons. They didn't listen about the number of people who gave us RSVPs, so they ended up with way too much food. We only wanted a bride's cake because there weren't as many people at this one, but they got a groom's cake too. We also wanted it to be more like a dinner. We didn't want a DJ or anything because we just wanted to play music in the background and then leave after a couple of hours because it was our wedding night! But nooooo, they got a DJ and we didn't get to leave until about 2 in the morning. We didn't get to our hotel until about 2:30/3. Partly, it was because his dad insisted we open our presents there in front of everyone instead of opening them later at our house. It's just so irritating when I realize how controlling they were then!

Okay, so that's me ranting and raving about them being controlling for our wedding. We still had a great wedding. The wedding itself was everything I ever wanted. The reception just wasn't what we wanted. And they were full of excuses and lies to get what they wanted. The reception in our home state was everything we wanted - my family actually listened to us.

Well, while we were engaged, the same things kept happening.

At his brother's graduation, they were very irritating with his "ex" (whatever she is...lol). We were engaged for crying out loud! They told me to "flash my ring" so she could see it. They told us we needed to act certain ways for her to see. After, they even told us we needed to go find her so she could see us, the ring, and the fact that we were engaged. That was when my husband finally said that was enough, and they needed to stop. It shut them up for the rest of that day at least.

That wasn't the real problem - their obsessions with his exes (girls he hung around, haha...whatever you can make of it, since he didn't date them, but they sure like to think he did) were just another annoyance. The problem came in my husband's lying. I mean, we were about to get married, so I became really concerned about his lying. I would bring it up to talk about. My husband would get really upset. He was still in denial at this point. Anyway, it got brought up quite a number of times, and every time the same thing would happen.

My husband would get really really upset. I'm talking crying, yelling, being sarcastic. He would blame me, get mad at me. Lying would usually get brought up around his family because they would bring it out in him. That's when he would get caught in lies, and his bad habits seemed to escalate around his family. I know why now - that's the only way he knew to act around him. Well, we would end up away from his family for hours. Sometimes we would sit outside, sometimes we would go for a walk, sometimes we would be in our room. Then, his family would get involved. We wouldn't ask them to get involved; they would just force their way in. I heard the same things over and over.

They would blame me, deny he had a problem, put me down, and justify lying. I mean, they would make me feel terrible. They were already making me feel like there was something wrong with me. I can't tell you how many times I heard that there was something wrong with me, that I needed to realize how lucky I was to have my husband, that I needed to get a grip/get ahold of myself, that I was turning my husband into a liar because I was unstable, etc. Everything was always on me; always! Now I know they were abusive at these times. It's as simple as that. They got into my head and made me believe I was the problem. They were slowly changing me, destroying me, messing with my mind.

Well, that's it for when we were engaged. Not too much, but enough for me to look back at now and see that I was beginning to be destroyed. They were manipulative, controlling, dishonest, cunning, deceitful, and whatever else you can see in this post. They were and still are abusive.

Now we can get into when we were married. This will definitely come in many, many posts. This is still going on, but please know that my husband and I are great. There came a turning point a year into our marriage in which he could see it all. We don't have anything to do with them these days. We haven't for years, but that doesn't stop them. You'll see. It will all unfold.

I want to say sorry in advance if these become kind of scatter-brained. I'll try to keep it all in order of our marriage, but there may be posts mixed in that aren't in chronological order.

The beginning - Courtship and Such

I promised I would begin by talking about when my husband and I were dating, so here goes.

Keep in mind that not as much was visible to me when we were dating. Looking back, there were signs that I would have seen if I had all of the knowledge then that I have now.

My husband and I met shortly after I started college, and we began dating pretty much immediately.

He almost seemed too good to be true. I wasn't looking for my husband, but I knew I had found him. He was everything I ever dreamed of.

His family always seemed to be interested in what they could do to stay in the spotlight and how they could make sure their life was better than those around them. Back then, I didn't really understand this and paid no attention to it; however, now I see it was just foreshadowing one underlying problem for their abusive actions.

Some of the ways they liked to "maintain drama" was always using me to rub in my husband's ex-girlfriends' faces (okay - he doesn't really have ex-girlfriends; one girl from high school he didn't even date, in fact, he didn't even like her - he saw her mom hit her, so he tried to help her with that, but of course his family views it as him dating her because they embellish upon everything - it really embarrasses my husband because this girl is nasty [seriously...sooo gross!], and he was just trying to be nice, but no matter what he says, they won't believe that he didn't date her - they made up their minds, and that's not changing; then, he "dated" one other girl [he had the title "boyfriend" for a very short amount of time but he didn't act like a boyfriend], but it was only because his dad made him - he didn't like this girl either - really, it's kind of a gross story - his dad seemed to have feelings for her and my husband says he feels like his dad was dating her through my husband - ew! - but I don't know what else to call these girls, so we'll go with exes even though they aren't technically "exes"). My husband did have one crazy ex (again, I don't really know what to call her?) at the time who couldn't let go and move on from him, but over time, it got better. They especially loved to use her for drama. Now, don't get my wrong, I didn't mind them talking about me in positive ways, but this got out of hand. They would constantly call my husband (boyfriend at the time) and let them know what his ex-girlfriends (girls in his past, w/e...you get the point...) were up to. It wouldn't be in a friendly, "Here's what they are doing" kind of way. It would be in a mocking way in which they would belittle and put down the girls. I didn't think anything of it because they weren't saying anything about me. Was it annoying? Of course, because I didn't think they should really care about his "exes" (ha...sorry, I just don't know what else to refer to them as) seeing as how they (meaning both my husband and his family) were not friends with them before or after they hung out. However, I should have seen that if they would do that to them, they would do it to me. I mean, they would go out of their way to almost badger the poor girls, always talking about my husband and me. For example (a small example, as there could be many examples), they were at a high school basketball game, and moved seats in the middle of it to go behind one girl and her family to talk loudly about how happy their son was with me and couldn't wait to marry me, and so on. They did this on purpose because, um, they told my husband they did. I thought this was rude and weird behavior, but still didn't think that much of it. They even wanted me to go to one of her basketball games so she would play poorly! I didn't; I insisted to my husband (whom I was still dating at the time) that it was rude, and I would not do that to anyone. We left. There are more examples that I could think of, and I'm sure they treated them even worse than I'll ever know because they would never admit to their horrible behavior; however, I must move on because this is about my experiences. No worries, once we got engaged, and they still insisted on being obsessed with the "exes," my husband told them that was enough (but that still didn't stop them - you know, because they love drama!).

The first time I met my husband's family, they made sure to take me to all of the places I could be seen. They even wanted to make sure I would meet people, so they could boast about me. I always hated people that boasted - it made me feel like they were hiding something. Plus, I didn't feel like they took the time to actually get to know me - no surprise now, seeing as how they don't even take the time to get to know their own kids.

Then, the next time I was really around them, they not only made sure to tell people about how intelligent I was and how I was head cheerleader (in high school - I mean, really, it didn't matter to me anymore), but also about my family. It's like they had to force people to approve to make sure they were seen as "good" by everyone else. Again, it's not that this was awful behavior, but it was fishy and weird, and it was definitely covering up their abusive behavior which I had not yet seen. This type of behavior, I have learned, is common among abusive people. They portray themselves in a way so that the outside world won't see it. This is exactly what my in-laws were doing at this time.

Okay...on to the actual first abusive behavior that began to be thrust upon me.

To put things lightly, my husband had a huge lying problem from being raised in an abusive home. Not uncommon for children of abusive parents to develop a problem such as this, but I didn't know at the time that they were abusive.

Well, I started to sense my boyfriend at the time was lying to me. I would ask and ask. You know when you can tell someone is being dishonest with you (especially when you spend 24/7 with that person)? Yeah, well, I could tell. Sooooo I broke up with him, and told him until he could be honest with me, we couldn't date anymore.

The break up lasted a whole 4 hours or so. My husband's brother actually called me and made me feel bad for breaking up with him, so I went back over to talk to my husband. Needless to say, we worked it out despite the fact that my husband didn't come clean at the time.

My husband had a request of me when we got back together. He wanted me to call his family and apologize. Why? I still don't know the actual reason and neither does he (Now, I pin it on his abusive controlling home he grew up in), but I loved him so I did it - unfortunately!

His dad answered. It wasn't a pleasant conversation. I was completely destroyed in 30 minutes. I didn't do much talking in that 30 minutes - I got griped out; my character was degraded; I was literally being ripped to pieces by my then-boyfriend's father. I can't recall everything he said because it was years and years ago, but I can sum up what I remember. I know he told me it was outrageous that I could go from wanting to marry someone to dumping him blindly. He also told me that if my husband was lying to me it was my fault because I was obviously unstable. He told me that lying is okay if you want to spare someone's feelings (not the last time I heard these things). He told me I was a bad person for doing something like that to his son. He also told me he had never been as disappointed in someone as he had been in me, and that he would never trust me to treat his son well. That's what I remember. I also remember I got off the phone bawling my eyes out. That's when I began to be scared of his dad.

I didn't think anything of it - I thought it was a one time thing; something he did because he was upset for his son. Keep in mind that people often lose their cool and will say things they don't mean - that is not abuse. When it becomes constant, and a habit; when the perpetrator cannot see what they are doing is wrong and they can never fix the problem; when they put the blame on the victim or others; when they humiliate and make others feel worthless; these are signs of emotional abuse. I thought this instance was simply a reaction; not abusive behavior. I didn't know, at the time, that this was who he was. He is an abusive person.

My husband and I dated barely under a year before we got engaged, so I only have one more instance where my character was put down. When we drove back from college for the summer, my husband's father didn't greet me pleasantly when we arrived at their house. No "How was the trip?" or "How are you?" Nope...instead, I got a, "You haven't done anything else crazy we have to watch for, have you?" And when I replied with a timid, "No," I got a, "Good, because we don't need that for our son." Seriously? Did he really just say that to me? Again, I brushed it off.

Then, after we went to church the next day, and I got barricaded with a buttload of questions from his family and close friends about our wedding and honeymoon and money, I got grilled by his dad after. We weren't even engaged yet...talk about a very uncomfortable day! His dad made sure to say, "Now, you're not going to go breaking my son's heart again are you?" And, again, I said, "No; not that I know of right now." Then he went on and on about how that was good because they already told everyone I was the one for my husband and we were getting married and they didn't want me screwing that up and humiliating them. Okayyyy, did I just hear that right? Are you deciding our marraige for us? I think not! I mean, I know my husband had told them all of these things, but who were they to go around telling everyone, and then trying to tell me what to decide and do? Again, this was very annoying, but I brushed it off as reactions to stressful times.

That was the last time I really rememeber being around them in person before we got engaged.

Sooooooooo.....drum roll please!

The next post will be about when were engaged! We were only engaged for a few months, so it shouldn't take too long...I hope. But, then again, I didn't think this one would be very long. Engagement time may come in the form of two posts, but we'll see!